Monday, Boring woman has no life

I am a 28-year-old wife and mother. I love my family very much and do not lack the essentials in life. But I can't help feeling my house isn't clean enough, my home isn't good enough and I'm not good enough. Nothing in my life is up to my standards.

I see people all around me who have all of these wonderful things. They travel and have fun. I have nothing of any real worth, and I can't remember the last time I truly had fun.

I don't want to take anti-depressants to cover the problem; I want to feel better. I have considered hiring a life coach to help me find the basis for my feelings, but I am not sure if coaching is for real or where to find it. I do not live in a large city, and money is limited. I want to feel like I, and the things in my life, are enough. Help!

Well gee wiz. Sorry to say, but that's what happens when you decide to not have goals. Getting married and having kids is what 20somethings do so they can talk about it at their 10 year reunion. You aren't having fun because you probably have a sucky husband also. Not only that, you choose to be pathetic. Taking ant-depressants doesn't cover up the problem. It is a sign that you actually want to be happy. Hiring a life coach would be the world's biggest neon sign to tell everyone that you are a fucking loser. You are so bad at life that you would hire a life coach? Move to a city. Buy a gun. Find a drug habit. Start an affair. Kidnap a child. Five things off the top of my head that you could do. All else fails, clean your duplex again.

Wednesday, Socks

I need help! I am a 30 year old professional male with my own condo in the city. I have a bunch of friends who are girls and are constantly trying to set me up with their friends because of what a great guy I am. But even with all of their opinions leading towards me being so "great" eventually the latest girl will leave me the same as the rest. The last girl left because I kept asking her to wear tube socks while we are making love, which I don't think is good reason to leave! (Jennifer you know who you are!) There are people out there who like to wear full animal costumes while doing it, tube socks are not that bad! I just really like them, I mean they have been around from when I first figured out how to please myself through the movie flash dance and at every sexual junction in my life! It's not like I only like purple ones either, nope, I will take any color, green, black, white, striped, even argyle!!! Is it so wrong to love their elastic goodness so much?

Throughout the whole question I deeply sympathized, and maybe empathized a fact or two until you brought up Flash Dance. But, since I'm a lover and not a Street Fighter, I will pretend I didn't read that. Setting yourself up as the 'good guy' comes with expectations. Like, you are going to be there for your gal pals when Bruno breaks her heart. Or maybe that you aren't afraid to say you like The Notebook. Or maybe you get salty-er than an ocean and say that you wish your voice sounded like that dude from Matchbox 20. In any case, women have already categorized you as a vagina with a dick extension. So, when you pull out the whole sock thing, the surprise hits them harder than Hurricane Katrina. I, too am down with the whole tube sock. And even for good measure, those black lines baseball players put under their eyes. Enough about my sporty fucks... You are totally natural in liking something particular. Women like a huge bank acccount and nobody is double penetration deep in their business! What the S?! Keep doing what you are doing, and I'm sure the ass-to-mouth ho right girl will come along.

Monday, Grandma Revenge

Please help me. Several years ago, my granddaughter -- age 17 -- beat me up. It was awful. She beat me all over and broke my knee. I have forgiven her, but somehow it eats at me. What should I do? I will never forget that beating, which happened because I wouldn't let her drive my car.

Did you get it on video? Because that's the only way it would kinda be funny. Other than that stop being a whiny old Grandma. First of all, what the shit did her parents do, and why weren't they there? Second, I hope you called the police on that cunt. Third, you should have organized a 'family party' only for it to be a setup in which you beat your granddaughter mercilessly. I'm talking 2x4 with nails on it. Or, find out if she has a boyfriend; send her pictures of you giving him fellatio. I'm pretty sure teenage girls hate seeing their boyfriends sucked off by Grandma. If you don't stand up for yourself, you will look like every other weak ass elderly person, and meanwhile your granddaughter is racking up money by being a guest on Maury. Also, is your granddaughter a dangerous minority? If so, it will probably be pregnant in a couple of months and then you can push her down the attic stairs. You're welcome.

Monday, NESW

I'm 39 and a college graduate with plenty of common sense. I'm not stupid, yet throughout my life I have had trouble differentiating between left and right, east and west. Any explanation?

You are a genuine retard.

Monday, Weight of the World

My boyfriend Chris is 6 foot 7. I'm 5 foot 4.

He weighs 240 pounds, I weigh less than 120.

Yet, he's very critical of women who have buckets and mentions it whenever my weight creeps up to around 125, which it sometimes does in the winter.

As to his weight, he admits that he should lose "maybe 5 pounds."

Now Chris is a smart man and a good one, yet he apparently does not see the disgusting spare tire that's building up around him. I ran a Body Mass Index on him. He needs to lose 20 pounds just to barely make it into the healthy category.

I told him his weight was not only a turnoff, but that it's physically unwieldy for me to be intimate with a man who outweighs me by 120 pounds. (Even if he were his ideal weight, he'd be a challenge.)

That got his attention, and he's trying to get back in shape. I'm going to stay on him in a loving way.

But it's still a mystery to me how men who are overweight feel free to be critical of women who are also overweight.

Nobody wants to fuck a porker. Mystery solved. However, 120 isn't bad. Just don't go over 125. The 120 range allows for some hot sweater-filling boob action, but puts the ass on the cusp of "You nasty!" The thing about your overweight guy is men don't have to look perfect. Alot of women like Bears fans. And some women are attracted to personality which alters their vision into physical attraction. Women are beautiful. And it is up to them to maintain that hot piece of ass.

In Response to 'Writing Prescriptions'

To the person that I "offended" about my little joke (That was directed to my friend)- I was not picking on anyone (other than my friend). I'm very sorry to hear that things like that happen. But I think coming on to my blog where half the point is offensive humor and laying your personal shit down on me is a tad much. I (jokingly) made sexist comments about girl's being dirty liars, etc. Where were you there? Do you honestly go around comedy blogs looking to be offended? (As a friend pointed out) The solution of this is free will. I will continue making funny statements, and you don't have to look at my page when I do. Everybody wins!

P.S. No more memorial sites. I don't need your depressing family shit.

Wednesday, Love Connection 5.0

Alrite Kenny,

I am a 19, female, good looking...... Last summer I met a guy online, we fell in love ( actually, he then had just broken up with his girlfriend, seemed very lonely and desolated, so I just larked him that I love him, so that he feels not sad and broken) Then he started taking things too far..... he would start calling me with 'Wife' and other names which only a married women should be referred with...... I cleared him, does he really love me? His reply was yes he does. Hence , I too started falling for him. And we would talk of almost anything everything , even sex and other stuff

Then once when he was in my city, we met up and went superficially physical (He smooched me, felt his fingers over my body parts and, gave me bites) I didn't allow him to break my virginity though..... Its a taboo for an Indian girl..... we are supposed to break our virginity only after marriage....... Though I knew he would be marrying me, still, I didn't allow him perhaps because I was too young ( unfortunaltely, 18 is young in India)

Then some seven months back , he broke up.... my whole world crashed down....... (he broke up only because he is fairer than me , though am not dark, but he's very fair)

Now there is a guy, Mr. M, he says he loves me a lot..... He is a friend of my very good friend..... I met him also online...... this Mr. M knows everything about my past..... almost everything..... still he says he loves me and will always keep me happy....... we haven't met ever....

Mr. M is five years elder to me ...... He is from the same city as of mine, but currently he is working in UAE, and calls me up from there.....

When I am feeling low, he would sing for me.....

From his talks it appears, he really likes me..... but I wonder if he's telling honestly..... because once I have been a victim of same kind of love affair.....

Now I don't trust anyone..... almost no guy (when it comes to 'love') .....

This Mr. M says he will be coming down to my city soon and would want to meet me.....

What should I do Kenny.....? Should I meet him? Is he in love with me really?

Please tell me honestly if people can love (specially men) via virtual world, without seen someone for long.....

I have still not been able to come out of my past ..... I am still collecting the pieces of my heart..... it feels good when Mr. M says 'I love you' , but I get really scared as well......

Looking forwars to a prompt reply from you Kenny.

Love
Mishri Kapoor

First of all, Dr. Kenny digs the Indian love.

Ok, I'll disect this like I'm seperating sushi.

First up, the first guy you met online.. It was a good decision to keep your V-card in tact while this crooner was going all Big Man on Campus (BMOC) on you. Btw, thanks for the odd details, I felt like Andy Dick was telling me a story in the dark. When a guy starts calling you 'Wife' after a brief time you have been together it either means A. He's trying to rip up your V-Card B. Because he is creepy C. All of the Above. He probably did you a favor in the long run by breaking up with you.

The second guy you met online. I'm not sure if you just discovered AOL 6.0 but dating online is probably not the best way to meet Johnny Hunkenmeyer. Anyways, I'm pretty sure a friendship is possible by just talking, but I don't think that it's love. Love is when your girlfriend won't shut the fuck up while you are trying to watch the end of the Cubs game with Soriano coming to the plate and a guy on 3rd, and still being able to tolerate her despite her bitchy way of interrupting something that is close to your heart. -Or- love is when your boyfriend forgot your birthday but you understand that he is swallowing his pride to work at Jiffy Lube so he can get by so you don't pester him.

Final point, you are young. Get offline and join a volleyball team or something. There are guys out there that are assholes. So go meet them for real and then talk to me about lack of trust.

Writing prescriptions

Courtesy of Chris Wood.

For my friend John. Sometimes I can't help everyone. And sometimes knowing when to quit is medicine in itself.

Monday, Joey Greco has nothing on me

I'm in my late 20s and have been dating a woman for about six months. For the most part, everything is great, and I could see us getting married someday.

The problem is she is still in contact with an ex, with whom she shares "custody" of a dog. She and her ex were together for two years and stopped dating two months before we met.

About once a month, they meet to take their dog on walks, and she contacts him via text a few times a week. She says he's just a good friend, but the idea of her spending time with someone she dated for so long bothers me.

She agreed to talk and hang out with him less, and while their meetings have been less frequent, they are still meeting occasionally.

I don't want to give her an ultimatum to choose between us, and it seems unfair to make her give up a friend. It's just difficult to trust her (or more likely him) when they talk and hang out.

I guess I'm a worrier and don't know if I should demand they no longer meet, or let things go.

Your girlfriend and your ex are probably still fucking. Using the dogs as an excuse is part of the arsenal of the manipulation that your lying bitch understands. From the beginning of time women have been dirty, dirty liars. They are an emotional wreck, and will probably try to justify her actions with some anti-logic.. And why aren't you allowed to be around when Rod wants time with the ex? My advice is to buy an animal for your ex, and do the same thing. You should probably start fucking your ex too. It's better to be safe than sorry. And if there is anything better than guilty, naughty sex, consider me Helen Keller.

Thursday, I hate my Mother

I am 25 years old, and my mother constantly buys me clothes. She buys me clothes on ebay, from catalogs and online stores. She lives a state away from me, where she has no friends except her boyfriend, and she works out of her home, so I assume she does it because she's bored and because she feels guilty about not being closer to her grandchildren and me.

I've told her politely that she doesn't need to buy me stuff and that she should just save it for Christmas, but she won't listen.

I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't want her to waste her money (she is not wealthy) on stuff I really don't like or need. It's starting to make me uncomfortable.

Oh, you poor little shit. Your biggest problem is your Mom likes to do nice things for you? You should be so lucky. Some Mom's raise (or don't) latchkey kids, or they drink a lot, or hit their children. Your Mom is so lonely that she thinks of you constantly, and this is one way of showing that. And the fact that she isn't wealthy shows that she would gladly spend her money to make you happy so you can look good at the sorority get-down or bar crawl, or whatever your ungrateful ass does. If I was your Mom i would send you anthrax in an H&M box. Then you could truly separate nice surprises in the mail to a quarantined room at Good Shepard. You are going to make such a bitchy wife.

Tuesday, Hospital Harlot

I met a radiologist when I was in the hospital. We decided to keep in touch once I got out, so a week later I called him. He seemed standoffish at first, but after talking with him and meeting him at the hospital, I learned that he didn't trust women because he'd been hurt.

We've been intimate several times, but always at the hospital. How come we never do it outside of work? At least at a hotel? I'm not married and I don't have any kids. I've invited him over. He says if he comes over, he can't stay. But he never comes over. He won't have me over to his house because he's a single father with kids, ages 17 and 19. He takes being a single father seriously.

Still, he texts me from his cell, asking me what I'm doing. Then he tells me what he's doing. Do you think there's someone else? I've asked, and he said no. What's up?

Ok, First of all, that guy is awesome. He tricked you into doggystyle in the X-ray room without having to leave work. In fact, he is probably getting paid during those hours. Well done. And let me congratulate you. Way to be the first Hospital Harlot. Most people go to the hospital to get things removed or repaired. You go to the hospital to get things filled. How do you not realize at this point that you are his 15 minute break whore? It really doesn't matter if he has a wife or girlfriend or whatever, because he knows that at lunch, he can go get a porterhouse steak, and a BJ in the intensive care unit. Just be thankful that you are getting some, because I imagine you are old-ish. If you could talk him into writing a book on how he is able to manipulate the way he does, he would have at least one reader.

First Example

Dear Cheryl: I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 40. I love him. Every time I see him my heart pounds like it's about to jump right out of my chest. If I'm not with him, I miss him terribly. The problem is I just don't know how to tell him that these feelings that I have for him are real. How do I tell him?

—Young and in Love



Dear Young and in Love: You're better off not telling him. It only makes you seem even younger than you are—which is plenty young. A mature 40-year-old man would recognize the symptoms you describe as infatuation, not love.

But I have a feeling your boyfriend is not all that mature.

If he were, I don't think he'd be hanging around with you. Twenty years is a big age gap at any time, but at yours, it's the Grand Canyon. Accept your relationship for what it (probably) is—a fling. Enjoy it while it lasts, but don't be too broken up when it ends. You've got a lot of living and growing to do before you get serious about anyone.

Not bad advice, but still. Drive the point home. My advice would go a little something like...

Dear girl that seeks desperate attention (and probably brags about her fist fitting into her mouth):

People that say 'age is nothing but a number' are covering up daddy issues. Or have been touched by their Uncle in that dark cave during the family reunion. Do you honestly think that a 40 year old that is on the cusp of a midlife crisis is into you because you are soooo mature? No, here's a lifeline..You ARE part of his midlife crisis. 21 year old hot piece of ass is like methadone to his 'I have to cope with the fact that my life is half over' problem. The last thing he needs, is to hear about your immature mushy feelings that you co-opt from Meg Ryan movies, as you sit on your ass all day until your shift starts later tonight at TGI Fridays (where you met). It's not science. Find an equally dissapointing man that is your age, so you can atleast share your infinite knowledge of bad music music together. Now, I know that when you met it was something like a fairy tale. You went out for margaritas (Because you can drink at bars now!) and he told you that you are the most attractive woman he has ever met, and presto chango three hours later he lovingly promised that he would aim for your stomach. Truth is sweetheart, he doesn't know that in high school you were the community jizz jar that was looking for any attention at all. In fact he could give a fuck even if he knew. You are barely a summer rental. He will have moved to Jacksonville before you realize that stinging in your crotch was a birthday present he got from his ex wife in his younger 30's. Move on. No fairy tale lasts.

Intro

As a subscriber to newspapers (mostly online) I can't help but look at the advice columns every now and then. It helps me realize what 'other' people call problems. But mostly it gives me a chance to fine tune my inner freelance smart-ass. Most of the questions are stupid, or atleast 5 logical answers could be used if the person in crisis would grow the fuck up. I find the advice a little odd too. Not because they give bad answers, but most of these advice columns comes from women in their 40's to 60's. Well, not anymore. Not only, are these people ALL women, but they are outdated. So, I, the 25 year-old male have started my own column. To start out I will be using questions that the paper started out with. Feel free to send questions to KennyBernat@gmail.com. In fact, I encourage it.
P.S. Thanks for the encouragement to do this friends!