Tuesday, April 14, 2009

5 tips to cure you children..

Before I delete my myspace, here is a blog that I posted over a year ago...Enjoy!

While i was doing some laundry tonight I happen to watch an episode of Supernanny. You know, the British chubbier version of Mary Poppins without the voice. Anyways, she had to deal with these two 7-8 year old boys. These kids acted like they escaped the portal of hell. They would throw shit at the nanny and kept trying to kick and punch their Dad in the balls. It was awful. However, I have a few of my own techniques of dealing with a child.

1. Good old fashion violence. Sure it’s looked down upon these days, but it needs to come back in a big way. These little fuckers run around the house like Marines that are on their third tour. Just vile, awful children who don’t have respect for anything. Let that kid know with a belt or a good hard spanking (The one that even stings your hand) that you don’t take any of their crazy shit.

2. Let a clown chase them around the house. If there is one thing that a child fears, it’s clowns. I still fear clowns. Persuade some guy that has had some "hard times" down at the Boys & Girls Club with a 30 pack of Old Style to dress up like a clown and strike some fear in your child’s heart. Go to work feeling good knowing that your children will be like savages as they run for hiding spots dodging the clown that stalks hallway to closet for the next 8 hours.

3. Don’t buy them food. Kids love food. And when they don’t have it, they get weak like the rest of us. But children don’t have the means to provide for themselves. This is where you exploit their weakness. When their little systems shutdown, their last thought will be I wish i had cleaned up the toys I am lucky to have.

4. Pitbulls love hateful children. Oh, so you like to hit mommy and daddy when something doesn’t go your way? Take it out on Bruno. Bruno likes to take his fun doggy aggression out on your eye sockets. You’ll wish you never refused to clean up the egg coloring kit you spilled on the floor.

5. Pretend you are dead. Get some fake blood and don’t get out of character. There is nothing that achieves clarity like a first brush with death. They will be wishing that you are alive and will feel sorry for everyday they were a little bastard.

If these don’t work, I don’t know what will. I can honestly say I don’t want children. I just came up with 5 ways to torture your child! I’m sure I’m being flagged for some parent awareness group. The patience; I cannot imagine. My respect to all my friends and family that are parents. I can’t imagine the sacrifices, and to my knowledge your kids aren’t from hell. High Five!

I have a feeling these new breakthrough methods will replace over prescribed ADHD medication.