Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Wednesday, College lame-O

My daughter, "Christie," just started her freshman year in college. She's a little overwhelmed and trying to adjust. She is smart, focused and mature.

Christie's biggest problem is it seems that all the other students in her dorm want to do is party. They buy alcohol with fake IDs and sneak it in.

Christie has told the others that she's not a partyer, and has been focusing on her work while her roommate and suitemates drink and miss classes. This makes my daughter not only unhappy, but also feel isolated. I talk to her every day to reassure her that she will find "her" group of friends. Is there anything else I could advise?

My gosh, Christie sounds lame and flat chested. Don't tell me she is studying classic music.. Christie should embrace the spirit of Yom Kippur, and reflect back on going to a tougher school if she really wants to study until she perspires. Drinking, fucking, and getting fake ID's is what college kids do. What the hell did she expect? With this kind of attitude, she will be alone all four years and eventually become a lame Sue in some office building. But as a doctor of everything holy, do not fret.
Buy Christie birth control. Tell her to brag about it in class, dorm rooms, or whatever function is going on. Phrases like "Not only does this make my tits bigger, but it kills all your baby Phelps," are sure to get people interested.
Purchase her Southern Comfort. Every college kid has had some whacky adventure with Southern Comfort. From your legs going in the back of your head, to seeing what the bathroom floor feels like after a night of upchucking pan-seared pea snaps, Southern Comfort is a TA away from the classroom.
Get acquainted with somebody that is 21. Nothing says 'IT GIRL' like the one that can hook up booze. We all went through that as youngans. I respected people that got kegs, cases, and 40's more than I respect Martin Luther King.
So, don't worry. Fitting in to college is easy, because most college kids are merely extensions from high school. Some of dumbest motherfuckers you will ever meet.