Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Tuesday, Hospital Harlot

I met a radiologist when I was in the hospital. We decided to keep in touch once I got out, so a week later I called him. He seemed standoffish at first, but after talking with him and meeting him at the hospital, I learned that he didn't trust women because he'd been hurt.

We've been intimate several times, but always at the hospital. How come we never do it outside of work? At least at a hotel? I'm not married and I don't have any kids. I've invited him over. He says if he comes over, he can't stay. But he never comes over. He won't have me over to his house because he's a single father with kids, ages 17 and 19. He takes being a single father seriously.

Still, he texts me from his cell, asking me what I'm doing. Then he tells me what he's doing. Do you think there's someone else? I've asked, and he said no. What's up?

Ok, First of all, that guy is awesome. He tricked you into doggystyle in the X-ray room without having to leave work. In fact, he is probably getting paid during those hours. Well done. And let me congratulate you. Way to be the first Hospital Harlot. Most people go to the hospital to get things removed or repaired. You go to the hospital to get things filled. How do you not realize at this point that you are his 15 minute break whore? It really doesn't matter if he has a wife or girlfriend or whatever, because he knows that at lunch, he can go get a porterhouse steak, and a BJ in the intensive care unit. Just be thankful that you are getting some, because I imagine you are old-ish. If you could talk him into writing a book on how he is able to manipulate the way he does, he would have at least one reader.

First Example

Dear Cheryl: I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 40. I love him. Every time I see him my heart pounds like it's about to jump right out of my chest. If I'm not with him, I miss him terribly. The problem is I just don't know how to tell him that these feelings that I have for him are real. How do I tell him?

—Young and in Love

Dear Young and in Love: You're better off not telling him. It only makes you seem even younger than you are—which is plenty young. A mature 40-year-old man would recognize the symptoms you describe as infatuation, not love.

But I have a feeling your boyfriend is not all that mature.

If he were, I don't think he'd be hanging around with you. Twenty years is a big age gap at any time, but at yours, it's the Grand Canyon. Accept your relationship for what it (probably) is—a fling. Enjoy it while it lasts, but don't be too broken up when it ends. You've got a lot of living and growing to do before you get serious about anyone.

Not bad advice, but still. Drive the point home. My advice would go a little something like...
Dear girl that seeks desperate attention (and probably brags about her fist fitting into her mouth):
People that say 'age is nothing but a number' are covering up daddy issues. Or have been touched by their Uncle in that dark cave during the family reunion. Do you honestly think that a 40 year old that is on the cusp of a midlife crisis is into you because you are soooo mature? No, here's a lifeline..You ARE part of his midlife crisis. 21 year old hot piece of ass is like methadone to his 'I have to cope with the fact that my life is half over' problem. The last thing he needs, is to hear about your immature mushy feelings that you co-opt from Meg Ryan movies, as you sit on your ass all day until your shift starts later tonight at TGI Fridays (where you met). It's not science. Find an equally dissapointing man that is your age, so you can atleast share your infinite knowledge of bad music music together. Now, I know that when you met it was something like a fairy tale. You went out for margaritas (Because you can drink at bars now!) and he told you that you are the most attractive woman he has ever met, and presto chango three hours later he lovingly promised that he would aim for your stomach. Truth is sweetheart, he doesn't know that in high school you were the community jizz jar that was looking for any attention at all. In fact he could give a fuck even if he knew. You are barely a summer rental. He will have moved to Jacksonville before you realize that stinging in your crotch was a birthday present he got from his ex wife in his younger 30's. Move on. No fairy tale lasts.


As a subscriber to newspapers (mostly online) I can't help but look at the advice columns every now and then. It helps me realize what 'other' people call problems. But mostly it gives me a chance to fine tune my inner freelance smart-ass. Most of the questions are stupid, or atleast 5 logical answers could be used if the person in crisis would grow the fuck up. I find the advice a little odd too. Not because they give bad answers, but most of these advice columns comes from women in their 40's to 60's. Well, not anymore. Not only, are these people ALL women, but they are outdated. So, I, the 25 year-old male have started my own column. To start out I will be using questions that the paper started out with. Feel free to send questions to KennyBernat@gmail.com. In fact, I encourage it.
P.S. Thanks for the encouragement to do this friends!