Tuesday, Electronic mail cheater

I have been married for five years, and we have a wonderful daughter, who is 3 years old. My wife and my daughter are my life, and I consider myself a very happy man.

The other day, my wife left her e-mail account open and I noticed an exchange of messages to and from a previous boyfriend of hers. This man cheated on her, then dumped her.

I learned that he e-mailed her one night when he was drunk. To my dismay, she replied to him in a very warm tone, encouraging him to get in touch more often. They have exchanged a few messages.

He is married, too, but along with exchanging information about mutual friends he also includes many compliments to my wife. She replied to him, saying how happy she is that they are back in touch. Several times she encouraged him to keep writing.

In my opinion there is an honorable, responsible way to do things. If he wants to hear how she is doing, he should do it in the open, and his wife and I should be aware of it. I feel destroyed and emotionally betrayed.

Am I overreacting?

No. You are under reacting.

Emotional betrayal cuts just as deep as physical betrayal. She must pay.

Start by sitting in the dark for hours until she comes home. When she gets home and turns on all the lights she will be uber frightened to see you coldly, and human-less-ly glaring at her. Ask her who she has been talking to on her email. Before she has a chance to respond, break that fine china her Aunt Patti gave you for your wedding. Make sure your body language says "I'll waterboard you at any given moment." Make sure she cannot type again, and when neighbors ask her why she has a cast on her hands, you say that she has carpel tunnel syndrome.

Find where this guy lives, and beat the shit out of him in front of his family. Take his wife, because your wife can't be trusted anymore. You could even be trading up. Now you both get what you want. Compromise, it's what it's all about.

Thursday, Smelly Parents

My husband and I have decided to sell our house and move south. We plan to purchase a mobile home. I asked our adult children what they thought of our decision.

One son made a quick trip home. Most of what he had to say pertained to issues from the past. One remark stung: He said that my husband and I had not showered or used deodorant on the day of my mother's funeral. True, we didn't shower that morning, but we had the night before. Because we depend on well water and had three extra people in the house, we wouldn't have had enough for all five of us to get a warm shower. We did use deodorant and cologne, and my husband put on aftershave.

We were crushed by our son's comment. I no longer wish to be an overnight guest in his home because I know they will be watching my every move. I would be preoccupied with worry about whether I have body odor. I love my son and our daughter-in-law, but the thought of being around them now makes me uncomfortable.

Ewwwwww. You are a disgusting pig.

Your excuse for not showering is pretty awful. Growing up, my house depended on well water, and guess what Angela Smellsbury? It was quite enough. In fact, most of the time I take two showers a day. One at night and when I wake up in the morning. I pride myself in taking care of my body, unlike you, the walking European corpse.

To show up at a funeral smelling worse than the dead body tells me you live in the mountains or the south. Or you are really fucking old, and either way you smell.

Your son was just trying to help you. The fact that you get defensive at your son being truthful also tells me you are old. Old people get sensitive easier. Now you are taking it out on him and refusing to go to his house? You should be lucky if he lets you in smelling like a yeast infection from the civil war era.

You are selling a house for a mobile home?! Strike three you old fucks! Are you trying to suck before you die?

Wednesday, College lame-O

My daughter, "Christie," just started her freshman year in college. She's a little overwhelmed and trying to adjust. She is smart, focused and mature.

Christie's biggest problem is it seems that all the other students in her dorm want to do is party. They buy alcohol with fake IDs and sneak it in.

Christie has told the others that she's not a partyer, and has been focusing on her work while her roommate and suitemates drink and miss classes. This makes my daughter not only unhappy, but also feel isolated. I talk to her every day to reassure her that she will find "her" group of friends. Is there anything else I could advise?

My gosh, Christie sounds lame and flat chested. Don't tell me she is studying classic music.. Christie should embrace the spirit of Yom Kippur, and reflect back on going to a tougher school if she really wants to study until she perspires. Drinking, fucking, and getting fake ID's is what college kids do. What the hell did she expect? With this kind of attitude, she will be alone all four years and eventually become a lame Sue in some office building. But as a doctor of everything holy, do not fret.

Buy Christie birth control. Tell her to brag about it in class, dorm rooms, or whatever function is going on. Phrases like "Not only does this make my tits bigger, but it kills all your baby Phelps," are sure to get people interested.

Purchase her Southern Comfort. Every college kid has had some whacky adventure with Southern Comfort. From your legs going in the back of your head, to seeing what the bathroom floor feels like after a night of upchucking pan-seared pea snaps, Southern Comfort is a TA away from the classroom.
Get acquainted with somebody that is 21. Nothing says 'IT GIRL' like the one that can hook up booze. We all went through that as youngans. I respected people that got kegs, cases, and 40's more than I respect Martin Luther King.

So, don't worry. Fitting in to college is easy, because most college kids are merely extensions from high school. Some of dumbest motherfuckers you will ever meet.

Monday, Vegas cheater, stupid girl

I'm 24 and have been dating my 29-year-old boyfriend for the past five years. We have been very happy.

Once or twice a year my boyfriend has a guys' trip to Las Vegas. I have fully supported these trips.

I found out a few days after his most recent Vegas trip that my boyfriend had kissed a girl in a club. The following week my boyfriend actually went back to Vegas for a one-night stand with this girl. Two days after this one-night trip to Vegas, we were leaving for the Bahamas, where he was going to propose. He had the ring and planned to ask my parent's permission.

I'm crushed, and he is disgusted with himself. He has lost tons of weight and went to counseling to find out why this happened. He's never hidden from this, never once trying to minimize the severity of what he did.

I spoke to the counselor who is seeing him to discuss my feelings, and she said that he exhibits no signs of being a "repeat offender."

We are working through this, but a deeper problem lies with my parents. They are completely done with him. They do not approve of me working this out.

My father says he would refuse his request to marry me, and my mom says she does not ever want to see him again, much less have him as a son-in-law. I feel completely torn.

I am in an adult relationship and can make my own decisions, but my family finds this unforgivable.

What should we do?

This is a golden question for Dr. Kenny. It's "Stance" time. Anybody that stays with somebody that cheats deserves all the bad shit coming to them.

You said that this counselor said he shows no signs of being a repeat offender? Didn't he kiss this girl once, and then go back and fuck her? That's called cheating twice, kitten. Anybody that has it in them to fully know that something is wrong and do it anyway will do it again. I'm glad he has lost weight, because he's a major douche, and also the reason that when I go do something with my friends, my GF's ask "Was there any girls there?" I hope he never eats again, or gets a 2 foot tapeworm. If he is having dirty Vegas sex before proposing to you, I'm pretty sure we would understand how that marriage would turnout.

When you met, he was 24, and you were 19. So for two more years you couldn't go to bars while he was out at Barleycorn, STD-ing it up with Kara who works at Lover's Lane. He probably has had alot of tang under our watch. You just happen to catch him this time.

Your parents are the only ones making sense in this picture. Your dad should beat him with wooden shoes. It's completely unforgivable what this guy did. In fact, they should be mad at you for staying with such a retard. You are young, lose the guy and be that girl that guys cheat on with. It's way more fun that way. And in a way, it would be like thrusting out your revenge. Or go another route. Contract herpes or HEP C and fuck your boyfriend. If he ever thinks about getting some road-trip-with-the-guys-tang, he will have to remember that his penis is battered down like a New Orleans levee.

Monday, In Laws shoot 'em up

Our first child is nearly a year old, and I am planning his first birthday party. My in-laws and my parents do not get along, and my in-laws have threatened not to come if my parents are present.

My husband and I have made it clear that we do not agree with this. We feel they should be able to put aside their differences for one day for the sake of their grandchild. Should we bend to their stubbornness and have two separate birthday parties, one for each side of the family?

No fucking way. If your senile in-laws and bratty parents can't come together for something that is not about them in anyway, they can suck a cock in Fire Island. Or plan B, You can have them do a taser-off in the backyard. This includes lining up 30 feet away from each other and just tasering. The one that can come out of the twitching fast enough, or the one that doesn't suffer a stroke gets to be there while the other one goes home. Or the ER.