Thursday, April 16, 2009

Thursday, Herpatitis C

I am trying hard to rebuild my marriage. My husband and I have three young children. Four months ago, I met a man (I'll call him "Jack") who made me feel like I haven't felt in a long time. We have not slept together. We tried several times to stop seeing each other, but unfortunately, my attraction to him was too strong.

This week my husband and I separated. I saw Jack this morning. Before things went too far I told him that I had herpes. Dr. KENNY, he practically had a heart attack -- and ended it on the spot!

The thing is, what I said wasn't true. I just could not think of another way to make him stop being available so I could concentrate on my marriage. I feel like such a coward, and I am heartbroken. Not only do I miss Jack terribly, I also can't bear the thought that someone who made me feel so happy would just turn his back on me.

Would there be any point in telling him that I lied, or did I do the right -- albeit cowardly -- thing?
You are one fucked up chick! Although, I think it exposes the good in you to not ruin your marriage entirely.
I really had to read this twice. And then something occured to me. You are the type that I date. Bear with me. Every girl I have ever dated has all these great qualities that makes me initially attracted to them. Then there comes a "There it is!" moment of insanity. Six months ago, I decided to start seeing this girl I met in the summer. I liked everything about her; she was funny, gorgeous, cute laugh, loved sports and had a decent taste in music. Before I could consemate things in the relationship she would tell me things she'd like me to do to her that sounded like dialogue in an episode of Oz or think Virginia Madsen's character in The Hot Spot. When all these red flags started going off, I ignored her calls. Then, she broke into my apartment. After moving away, she would still send friendly emails. Every girl I have ever dated is collectively Margot Kidder.
She kind of reminds me of you. You already ended things, and now you are trying to go back into the burning house.
By the way, a man wanting to throw a pot of scolding water on you and run the other way when he finds out you have herpes is normal. Did you really think he would buy you a baker's dozen sack of Vagicil and hold hands walking into the sunset. He is repulsed by you, so move on with your life.
Stop being a temptress lil' slut, get back with your husband, fuck him more, and take care of your children. Prob.lem.Solved.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

5 tips to cure you children..

Before I delete my myspace, here is a blog that I posted over a year ago...Enjoy!

While i was doing some laundry tonight I happen to watch an episode of Supernanny. You know, the British chubbier version of Mary Poppins without the voice. Anyways, she had to deal with these two 7-8 year old boys. These kids acted like they escaped the portal of hell. They would throw shit at the nanny and kept trying to kick and punch their Dad in the balls. It was awful. However, I have a few of my own techniques of dealing with a child.

1. Good old fashion violence. Sure it’s looked down upon these days, but it needs to come back in a big way. These little fuckers run around the house like Marines that are on their third tour. Just vile, awful children who don’t have respect for anything. Let that kid know with a belt or a good hard spanking (The one that even stings your hand) that you don’t take any of their crazy shit.

2. Let a clown chase them around the house. If there is one thing that a child fears, it’s clowns. I still fear clowns. Persuade some guy that has had some "hard times" down at the Boys & Girls Club with a 30 pack of Old Style to dress up like a clown and strike some fear in your child’s heart. Go to work feeling good knowing that your children will be like savages as they run for hiding spots dodging the clown that stalks hallway to closet for the next 8 hours.

3. Don’t buy them food. Kids love food. And when they don’t have it, they get weak like the rest of us. But children don’t have the means to provide for themselves. This is where you exploit their weakness. When their little systems shutdown, their last thought will be I wish i had cleaned up the toys I am lucky to have.

4. Pitbulls love hateful children. Oh, so you like to hit mommy and daddy when something doesn’t go your way? Take it out on Bruno. Bruno likes to take his fun doggy aggression out on your eye sockets. You’ll wish you never refused to clean up the egg coloring kit you spilled on the floor.

5. Pretend you are dead. Get some fake blood and don’t get out of character. There is nothing that achieves clarity like a first brush with death. They will be wishing that you are alive and will feel sorry for everyday they were a little bastard.

If these don’t work, I don’t know what will. I can honestly say I don’t want children. I just came up with 5 ways to torture your child! I’m sure I’m being flagged for some parent awareness group. The patience; I cannot imagine. My respect to all my friends and family that are parents. I can’t imagine the sacrifices, and to my knowledge your kids aren’t from hell. High Five!

I have a feeling these new breakthrough methods will replace over prescribed ADHD medication.