Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Tuesday, GloriAIDS

I have known "Gloria" for two years. We met at work, hit it off immediately and became close friends. I love her dearly, and I'm devastated by what's happening to her. Gloria is dying of AIDS and now has a rare brain infection that has caused her to lose most of her faculties. She goes in and out of dementia, and her prognosis is two months.

I have been by Gloria's side so frequently that her family has "adopted" me. I help with her care and am the only one of her friends and co-workers who has visited since she took this turn.

My problem is, since I have been around Gloria's family, I have learned that nearly everything she has ever told me is untrue. She has flat-out lied about many things -- big and small -- that weren't even necessary to lie about. I feel like I don't know my friend at all and never did.

As sad as I am to see Gloria suffering and dying, I am hurt and angry that I was repeatedly deceived by someone I thought was my friend. I keep telling myself it shouldn't matter now, but the more the truth comes out, the harder it is for me to go over there and help.
How can I get past this, forgive Gloria and get back to the business of helping her in her final weeks?

Is it bad that I was overjoyed for a second that I got my first AIDS question? Then you went and ruined it with some sad shit and being selfish...
Let me get this straight? Your friend is dying of AIDS, has a rare brain infection, is reduced to Double Dare-sliming in her pants at least three times a day, and you are pissed because she told you that she was once a prom queen and actually wasn't? Hey asshole, two words, brain infection. This could be the result of her lies. Just because I talk in my sleep doesn't mean I want to ride a giraffe to Texas. (Apparently, I said that once.)
I think we need to give Gloria the benefit of the doubt in her last excruciating days. This is pain you are probably lucky to never have as long as you live. So what do you say to the family that was kind enough to adopt you as family-friend? "Umm.. Sgt. AIDS over here has been telling a couple of tall tales, I deserve an apology."
Maybe you can get AIDS and an Ophelia headache, and then we can see who will give a shit.

Tuesday, Chil Exhange Policy

My son is 10 years old.

I got myself into a lot of trouble when I was 18. I am now 32.

Because of the trouble I was in when I was younger, my probation was revoked 10 years ago and I had to turn my son over to my former in-laws. The boy's father had no interest in taking care of him.

I have been fighting my ex-in-laws for my son for the last seven years. During that time he has been bounced around from one ex-in-law to the other.

I was under the impression that I would get my son returned to me after I had satisfied the sentence I received after my probation was revoked.

I have started school to obtain a doctorate in psychology. I have a 4.0 [GPA] and recently purchased a four-bedroom home.

I have changed dramatically from the way I use to be. My ex-mother-in-law, whom I have not had contact with for about seven years, does not want to look at what I have done to better my life.

I want to know if you can give me any ideas to express my thoughts to her.

I do not know what else I can do that would show her how much my life and my circumstances have changed.

I like that you think getting a child back is like returning something back to Target. It's quite a process. You have to pay for the shit you did, no matter how many "Grape Job!" scratch and sniff stickers you get on your psychology papers. If I were to go back and claim every girl that I broke up with just because I thought we were ready to give it a second go round, that doesn't mean they would want to see me again. (The flip side: I would be elbow deep in vag and would no longer be able to do this blog.)
And let's be honest. This lil' ragamuffin has been bounced around to every family member that had a futon in a crawl space. Do you know how fucked up he is already? He will just get into trouble and cause you stress. So, my advice is, concentrate on your new life where everything is A+. Don't feel bad about your former son. Remember Jessie from Free Willy? That kid bounced around several orphanages and landed feet first as Michael Madsen being his dad, and his best friend is a fucking killer whale. What a life! We should all be so lucky.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Dr. Kenny vs. MSN

Whenever I (rarely) go to my Hotmail account to see emails from people I have written off, or links to Amazon begging me to buy Sister Act 2, I happen to notice the MSN links that are on my front page. There is alot of relationship garbage. So I was curious to see what my competition is up to. Today, they had this attention grabber: 8 THINGS GUYS SAY THEY HATE ABOUT WOMEN BUT SECRETLY LOVE. Boy was this a lob down the plate. To preface this, I have to say that MSN relationship writers might be on a par with Teen Beat. Just sayin'. Yours truely went to the trouble to copy all of the responses. So here goes....

8 Things Guys Say They Hate about Women But Secretly Love

Blond Ambition

"I hate when my girlfriend works late, but I secretly love how motivated she is and how much she cares about everything she does."

—Alex, 24

Yeah, I totally don't.
A. I don't want to hear that "I'm really tired" excuse when it comes to boning. If that's the case take a five minute nap, and I'll make love.
B. Who's going to pay attention to me? I'm a man, I have to be desired. You never saw James Bond watching Rock Of Love on his couch waiting endlessly for you to come home.

The Provider

"I tell her I hate it when she whines, but it's actually cute. It makes me feel needed and important and manly — like I can provide for her and that will stop her whining. I should add that it's a once-in-a-while pleasure."

—Matt, 27

That makes you feel manly? That makes me want to kick a baby deer in the face. When I hear things like "Can you go make me a drink?" or "I wanna cuddle" in the whiny voice, it makes me think that the Jon Benet family caught a break. Both of those are okay, just not in the whiny voice. Whiny voice is only ok when...
A. You have the flu
B. You are begging for sex at 4am after you just got back from drinking Jameson with your friends all night.

Tabloid Scammer

"I would be bummed out if she canceled her Us Weekly subscription. I hate having to see Spencer Pratt's ugly mug all the time, but it turns out to be the perfect magazine to read in the bathroom."

—Scott, 33

I would be bummed out if my girlfriend read US Weekly. And Scott, I'm pretty sure you have a tribal tattoo or secretly whack off to Keanuu Reeves. The perfect things to read in the bathroom are Sports Illustrated, Rolling Stone, a book, or a laptop. I prefer the laptop because it is an endless source of reading.

Garbage Duty

"I always complain about how my girlfriend expects me to do all of the 'man stuff' around the house, like replacing light bulbs and taking out the trash, but I secretly like it."

—Mat, 25

Ah. You spell Matt with one 'T.' Euro trash.

I actually like a self sufficient woman. Men like confidence and independence as well. Men also like when women take out the trash in boy shorts and a see through 80's shirt.

Guilty Pleasures

"I hate when my girlfriend watches shows like The Hills and The City, but recently I find myself secretly loving Monday TV nights."

—Jake, 26

Might as well say fuck you to Mom and Dad for paying for your MBA. When you watch those kind of shows, you are actively turning into Terry Schiavo. And who is this girl that makes you watch this shit? Oh, you met her at Hooters? Ok then.

Mother Nurture

"My girlfriend has a tendency of stating the obvious. What I mean is that she will tell me to do something that I am clearly either in the process of doing or going to do. See, you girls always assume that we are eventually going to screw up and do something stupid, so you feel obliged to remind us at every opportunity.

It drives me nuts, but I guarantee that the moment she stops paying attention to what I'm doing or if I'm doing it the way it should be done, I start feeling like she just doesn't care! So after a grunt or two, I go and fetch her to ask her opinion. Go figure!"

—James, 25

Yeah, I just love a nag. I'm pretty sure I would not miss nagging. I'd rather have a bad hangover, because I know that will eventually go away. This is a really bad myth that MSN is trying to spread. On behalf of the male race: This is bullshit. James has to say this stuff so his girlfriend will give him oral sex every Christmas.

Date Planner

"I would be bummed if my girlfriend stopped planning out our evenings several days in advance. It makes it easy for me because I don't have to plan anything, but it is annoying sometimes how organized a person can be."

—Brian, 24

This would be complete hell. You like that your girlfriend controls your life like the army?
"Honey, go see Sex and the City with your friend, I'm going to stay here and masturbate with my own tears."

Why All of the Questions?

"I'm around a lot of women who are very worried. It seems as if everything you do is followed by a question: Why did you do that? Are you all right? You sure you're not hungry? I always talk about how I hate these incessant questions, but I know deep down if they stopped I would feel less important. It's good to know that people care about you enough to ask those questions, even though they might be annoying."

—Ben, 25

This is like being followed around by a 5 year old. This is the most annoying during a movie...
"Guess what? I can't answer anymore of your questions because you made me miss most of the plot and I'm as clueless as you are."
Or when you just want quiet. Every stupid thing that comes out of her mouth that ends in the question mark, makes me dream about how I could shrink myself and live in solitude inside the Lincoln Log cabins I built when I was little.
"Whatcha thinking about?" What's your favorite color? Do you fantasize about less maintenance girlfriends that you foolishly broke up with by comparison everytime my mouth looks like it's run by an engine made of Red Bull?

Thanks and Bare with me

This week is a make or break week for Dr. Kenny. So just bare with me my sweet loves. But I left one for all of you, and I'll be back after this hell week....

Also, I can not say thank you enough to my friends, family, anonymous, people that have sent in questions... Your kind words lately have been overwhelming. I'm glad that people can get joy as they virtually watch me punch my ticket to hell. Love you guys, need you guys..

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Tuesday, Cheat to Win

Our 10-year-old son, "Harry," is a sore loser. If we play a sport or a board game with him, he ends up in tears if he doesn't win. Sometimes he will cheat if he thinks it will help him win. He even becomes upset when his favorite hockey team loses a game.

We have told Harry repeatedly that games are supposed to be fun, but he seems unable to grasp the concept. We do not know what else to do. Can you help?

I sure can. I can help you.
Let's get something straight.. I was Harry...I still am Harry.
Look, mother that is worried about anything and everything, your son is becoming a man. It sounds like he has a do what it takes attitude. And quite frankly, I'm more proud of your son than you are. You should be ashamed of yourself. You probably don't know what it takes to win. You probably tried to start a small business selling pet supplies when you got the start up capital because your Father died of a Viagra induced heart attack and it failed. So you don't go for it anymore. If you want your son to succeed, you will encourage his behavior. To lie, cheat, kill...whatever it takes..is the blueprint to becoming a winner. End of story.
You really think it's a problem if he gets angry over hockey? No. And I'm glad this question came up. Here's why..(coming from my point of view):
I take all sports seriously, but for this demonstration lets use Notre Dame football. When the Irish lose, I lose. It is good for a person to invest their soul in something they cannot control. It's fucking romantic. To love under the best and worst circumstances. Is there a better man than that? Answer: Sure isn't! When the Irish lose, my Saturday goes out the window. I'm a dick, and sometimes I throw my stuffed football as hard as I can into the kitchen. When they win, you will never find a more charming, nicer guy than Dr. Kenny. Some people just love sports. At least he doesn't love cocaine and HIV filled sluts.
So, really mom? You don't want him to be a romantic? You don't want him to have a passion for something. You want him to be like you? Some woman that sits in a recliner all day in nothing but tube socks and a mustard stained robe. You are worse than that mother that drove her kids into a lake.

Sister Act 3: We don't disagree

I have been dating a wonderful man I'll call "George" for the past 14 months. We have never had an argument or even a disagreement. We both have good jobs, like doing the same things, and we see each other every weekend. Our co-workers and family members have commented that we seem remarkably happy as a couple.

Don't get me wrong. George and I know what we like and dislike in life. We talk about things, have serious discussions and deal with whatever comes our way. But for some reason, my sister insists that by now my boyfriend and I should have had at least one good argument. She thinks it's weird that we haven't, and says we are "trying too hard" to make each other happy. She says George and I are ignoring things that could cause unhappiness.

My sister is younger, married, works full-time and has three kids. I think she may be secretly jealous of our relationship. So I ask you, DO all couples have to argue or have disagreements?
Blah. Sisters.
Sounds like she is a bitter, jealous woman that is just mad that her vagina looks like an M.C. Escher painting after pumping out three kids in a row. Your love life is kind of new-ish and exciting, meanwhile she can no longer get off in the shower because her hopes and dreams have been dismantled by a poker obsessed father, and three children that won't stop saying "mommy!"
Though, I still have to give her a point. 14 months and no argument. Does this guy not drink? Do you not drink. There hasn't been a single girl that I have ever dated where we didn't once or twice have a misunderstanding that led to an argument induced by alcohol. Try that one and see what happens.
Besides that, arguing is human nature. I don't know if you two are the most boring people in the world, or you are always fucking, but geez louise.
You mentioned that you only hang out on weekends. That could be it. You two should move in together. See how long your streak will keep up then.
Whether you fight or not, your sister will always be a sloppy bitch. And at least you have that.