Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Wednesday, Bisexual Gal

My 14-year-old daughter, "Melissa," is bisexual. Most girls her age have sleepovers, but my husband says that any girl Melissa likes should be considered the same as a boyfriend, so it is not appropriate for her to spend the night.

I disagree. A girlfriend is not the same -- mainly because Melissa won't end up getting pregnant after spending the night with a girl. What do you think?

Congratulations retard. You have won the award for "People I'd like to punch in the face- of the week." Dad is totally right. Would you like to bring ice cream down into the basement just to have it shatter when you witness your daughter's mouth glued to her best pal's vagina?!Yeah, I didn't think so.
But I can't get past a fourteen year old already thinking she is bisexual. "Mellissa" probably barely has boobs, and the fern is starting to grow into spring still- if you know your metaphors. This leads me to think:
A. She is confused, which all teenagers are as their body turns into a transformer.
B. She has already been sexual with both a male and a female which makes me think you are terrible parents.
C. She has been molested. If this girl lives in Florida or Texas, circle C for sure.
D. She is probably looking for attention.
Either way, your daughter is trouble. My only advice is to build one of those creepy praying rooms like the one in Carrie. With that in mind don't let her go to the prom either. Nothing worse than seeing your daughter post-drunk, post-sucked off 6 guys in a night.

Wednesday, Bad Hair Day

As the years have passed, my brown hair has slowly been replaced by threads of silver. Friends and relatives have teased me about it. I don't let their remarks bother me, but certain individuals do irritate me with their remarks. So I came up with a comeback to address their comments.

I tell them with a smile that each of my white hairs represents a "seed of wisdom" in my "field" of knowledge. I love seeing their expressions when I say this. Perhaps this will help other seniors. What do you think?

Good comeback, Tony Danza. You are old and are going to die soon.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Friday, Fantasy drunk

Last weekend I drank a little too much and passed out on the floor of my room. Normally, your friends would take this as an opportunity to write on your body or put shaving cream on your face. Not my friends. They noticed that my fantasy football league was open on my computer and proceeded to release every player on my roster. Add to it that there is significant money involved, and I was in first place. Is this the most unforgivable "prank" that can happen to guy? Really, they could have slashed my tires and I would have been less mad.

That is fucking hilarious.
Throughout time, men have abused other unconscious men who fail at drinking. It's almost a rite of passage, and we have all been the abuser, or the abusee. This, however, takes things to a whole new level. First of all, you always close something as valuable as your fantasy football team especially when you have friends as roommates. You kinda have yourself to blame.
If anyone ever did that to me, they would always pay for it. Suggestions for revenge*:
1. Get on their email and write a family member pretending to be the person that you are out to ruin. Tell them you went out to a gay club, and that you liked it. That it felt dirty. Sexy dirty.
2. Wake them up in the middle night and tell them that police were called, and that their parents are dead. You can use the cold sweat that will ensue to water your plants.
3. Buy a ton of exotic ants. Cover their room to the point where somebody would ask them if they are the Keymaster. (This may backfire depending on how close your room is)

* Revenge may lead to counter-revenge

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Wednesday, Flirty.

I have been dating a guy for about six months. The issue I am trying to deal with concerns the number of his female friends. He is a single dad who raised his daughter on his own. She is involved in sports, and so he became friendly with a lot of the mothers of his daughter's friends. Most of these women are single, by the way.

I have met one or two of them, and they seem very nice. I believe there is nothing going on, but there are one or two whom I have not met, and I have overheard him being very flirty with them. I have asked him about it, and he gets defensive, saying it is playful and innocent. He also meets these women now and then for dinner.

I am becoming more and more uncomfortable with this, and so, in return, he is keeping things from me. What do I do? Can men and women really be just friends?

This is a good question, because every guy ever that has been in a relationship has had to listen to the whining, skull-numbing, verbal beating women give when they get insecure.
Men and women can be just friends. Dr. Kenny has many of them in fact. And sure every now and then, it can lead to a night of Led Zeppelin II, billion shots of patron, and panties in your laundry. But that is when you are single.
When you are with somebody, that factor goes away, unless you are an asshole and probably shouldn't be dating somebody anyway. The simple fact is this: If you were friends with them before, it is unfair to be asked to change the way you treat that friend because your girlfriend watched an Oprah special that day that made her feel like she had to be batshit insane.
And as far as a guy just talking to them at a social event involving their children, well what do you want him to do? Call the woman a slut because she complimented him on bring the orange slices at halftime?
Women are into confidence. It's a wide known thing. But men are too. If a woman constantly bitches about being jealous, that insecurity will turn into weakness. Weakness is a turn off. So, unless you want to go back to square one with your vibrator, just quit your bitching.

Wednesday, Can I call you a whore?

What do you think of a woman in her 40s who uses the word "whores" to describe 7th-grade girls? The girls in question are schoolmates of this woman's daughter and have limited to no experience with boys. One of them is my daughter.

The woman considers herself to be a good Christian, and she attends church regularly. I am just astounded by this behavior.

What do you think?

I think everyone has the right to use the word "whores." Have you seen teens today? They dress and act like whores. I personally blame THE MTV with all their bad programming, and that it is ok to be stupid and trashy. However, that's a two way street. If we didn't have teenage whores, we wouldn't have girls that: A. Know to swallow. B. Show you the magical uses of boobs C. let you fuck them in a parking lot.
I'm getting a little off track here.
I'm not sure why Miss Christianity would call your daughter a whore because you didn't explain all circumstances. Chances are your daughter is a whore.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Tuesday, Electronic mail cheater

I have been married for five years, and we have a wonderful daughter, who is 3 years old. My wife and my daughter are my life, and I consider myself a very happy man.

The other day, my wife left her e-mail account open and I noticed an exchange of messages to and from a previous boyfriend of hers. This man cheated on her, then dumped her.

I learned that he e-mailed her one night when he was drunk. To my dismay, she replied to him in a very warm tone, encouraging him to get in touch more often. They have exchanged a few messages.

He is married, too, but along with exchanging information about mutual friends he also includes many compliments to my wife. She replied to him, saying how happy she is that they are back in touch. Several times she encouraged him to keep writing.

In my opinion there is an honorable, responsible way to do things. If he wants to hear how she is doing, he should do it in the open, and his wife and I should be aware of it. I feel destroyed and emotionally betrayed.

Am I overreacting?
No. You are under reacting.
Emotional betrayal cuts just as deep as physical betrayal. She must pay.
Start by sitting in the dark for hours until she comes home. When she gets home and turns on all the lights she will be uber frightened to see you coldly, and human-less-ly glaring at her. Ask her who she has been talking to on her email. Before she has a chance to respond, break that fine china her Aunt Patti gave you for your wedding. Make sure your body language says "I'll waterboard you at any given moment." Make sure she cannot type again, and when neighbors ask her why she has a cast on her hands, you say that she has carpel tunnel syndrome.
Find where this guy lives, and beat the shit out of him in front of his family. Take his wife, because your wife can't be trusted anymore. You could even be trading up. Now you both get what you want. Compromise, it's what it's all about.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Thursday, Smelly Parents

My husband and I have decided to sell our house and move south. We plan to purchase a mobile home. I asked our adult children what they thought of our decision.

One son made a quick trip home. Most of what he had to say pertained to issues from the past. One remark stung: He said that my husband and I had not showered or used deodorant on the day of my mother's funeral. True, we didn't shower that morning, but we had the night before. Because we depend on well water and had three extra people in the house, we wouldn't have had enough for all five of us to get a warm shower. We did use deodorant and cologne, and my husband put on aftershave.

We were crushed by our son's comment. I no longer wish to be an overnight guest in his home because I know they will be watching my every move. I would be preoccupied with worry about whether I have body odor. I love my son and our daughter-in-law, but the thought of being around them now makes me uncomfortable.
Ewwwwww. You are a disgusting pig.
Your excuse for not showering is pretty awful. Growing up, my house depended on well water, and guess what Angela Smellsbury? It was quite enough. In fact, most of the time I take two showers a day. One at night and when I wake up in the morning. I pride myself in taking care of my body, unlike you, the walking European corpse.
To show up at a funeral smelling worse than the dead body tells me you live in the mountains or the south. Or you are really fucking old, and either way you smell.
Your son was just trying to help you. The fact that you get defensive at your son being truthful also tells me you are old. Old people get sensitive easier. Now you are taking it out on him and refusing to go to his house? You should be lucky if he lets you in smelling like a yeast infection from the civil war era.
You are selling a house for a mobile home?! Strike three you old fucks! Are you trying to suck before you die?

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Wednesday, College lame-O

My daughter, "Christie," just started her freshman year in college. She's a little overwhelmed and trying to adjust. She is smart, focused and mature.

Christie's biggest problem is it seems that all the other students in her dorm want to do is party. They buy alcohol with fake IDs and sneak it in.

Christie has told the others that she's not a partyer, and has been focusing on her work while her roommate and suitemates drink and miss classes. This makes my daughter not only unhappy, but also feel isolated. I talk to her every day to reassure her that she will find "her" group of friends. Is there anything else I could advise?

My gosh, Christie sounds lame and flat chested. Don't tell me she is studying classic music.. Christie should embrace the spirit of Yom Kippur, and reflect back on going to a tougher school if she really wants to study until she perspires. Drinking, fucking, and getting fake ID's is what college kids do. What the hell did she expect? With this kind of attitude, she will be alone all four years and eventually become a lame Sue in some office building. But as a doctor of everything holy, do not fret.
Buy Christie birth control. Tell her to brag about it in class, dorm rooms, or whatever function is going on. Phrases like "Not only does this make my tits bigger, but it kills all your baby Phelps," are sure to get people interested.
Purchase her Southern Comfort. Every college kid has had some whacky adventure with Southern Comfort. From your legs going in the back of your head, to seeing what the bathroom floor feels like after a night of upchucking pan-seared pea snaps, Southern Comfort is a TA away from the classroom.
Get acquainted with somebody that is 21. Nothing says 'IT GIRL' like the one that can hook up booze. We all went through that as youngans. I respected people that got kegs, cases, and 40's more than I respect Martin Luther King.
So, don't worry. Fitting in to college is easy, because most college kids are merely extensions from high school. Some of dumbest motherfuckers you will ever meet.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Monday, Vegas cheater, stupid girl

I'm 24 and have been dating my 29-year-old boyfriend for the past five years. We have been very happy.

Once or twice a year my boyfriend has a guys' trip to Las Vegas. I have fully supported these trips.

I found out a few days after his most recent Vegas trip that my boyfriend had kissed a girl in a club. The following week my boyfriend actually went back to Vegas for a one-night stand with this girl. Two days after this one-night trip to Vegas, we were leaving for the Bahamas, where he was going to propose. He had the ring and planned to ask my parent's permission.

I'm crushed, and he is disgusted with himself. He has lost tons of weight and went to counseling to find out why this happened. He's never hidden from this, never once trying to minimize the severity of what he did.

I spoke to the counselor who is seeing him to discuss my feelings, and she said that he exhibits no signs of being a "repeat offender."

We are working through this, but a deeper problem lies with my parents. They are completely done with him. They do not approve of me working this out.

My father says he would refuse his request to marry me, and my mom says she does not ever want to see him again, much less have him as a son-in-law. I feel completely torn.

I am in an adult relationship and can make my own decisions, but my family finds this unforgivable.

What should we do?

This is a golden question for Dr. Kenny. It's "Stance" time. Anybody that stays with somebody that cheats deserves all the bad shit coming to them.
You said that this counselor said he shows no signs of being a repeat offender? Didn't he kiss this girl once, and then go back and fuck her? That's called cheating twice, kitten. Anybody that has it in them to fully know that something is wrong and do it anyway will do it again. I'm glad he has lost weight, because he's a major douche, and also the reason that when I go do something with my friends, my GF's ask "Was there any girls there?" I hope he never eats again, or gets a 2 foot tapeworm. If he is having dirty Vegas sex before proposing to you, I'm pretty sure we would understand how that marriage would turnout.
When you met, he was 24, and you were 19. So for two more years you couldn't go to bars while he was out at Barleycorn, STD-ing it up with Kara who works at Lover's Lane. He probably has had alot of tang under our watch. You just happen to catch him this time.
Your parents are the only ones making sense in this picture. Your dad should beat him with wooden shoes. It's completely unforgivable what this guy did. In fact, they should be mad at you for staying with such a retard. You are young, lose the guy and be that girl that guys cheat on with. It's way more fun that way. And in a way, it would be like thrusting out your revenge. Or go another route. Contract herpes or HEP C and fuck your boyfriend. If he ever thinks about getting some road-trip-with-the-guys-tang, he will have to remember that his penis is battered down like a New Orleans levee.

Monday, In Laws shoot 'em up

Our first child is nearly a year old, and I am planning his first birthday party. My in-laws and my parents do not get along, and my in-laws have threatened not to come if my parents are present.

My husband and I have made it clear that we do not agree with this. We feel they should be able to put aside their differences for one day for the sake of their grandchild. Should we bend to their stubbornness and have two separate birthday parties, one for each side of the family?
No fucking way. If your senile in-laws and bratty parents can't come together for something that is not about them in anyway, they can suck a cock in Fire Island. Or plan B, You can have them do a taser-off in the backyard. This includes lining up 30 feet away from each other and just tasering. The one that can come out of the twitching fast enough, or the one that doesn't suffer a stroke gets to be there while the other one goes home. Or the ER.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Monday, Boring woman has no life

I am a 28-year-old wife and mother. I love my family very much and do not lack the essentials in life. But I can't help feeling my house isn't clean enough, my home isn't good enough and I'm not good enough. Nothing in my life is up to my standards.

I see people all around me who have all of these wonderful things. They travel and have fun. I have nothing of any real worth, and I can't remember the last time I truly had fun.

I don't want to take anti-depressants to cover the problem; I want to feel better. I have considered hiring a life coach to help me find the basis for my feelings, but I am not sure if coaching is for real or where to find it. I do not live in a large city, and money is limited. I want to feel like I, and the things in my life, are enough. Help!

Well gee wiz. Sorry to say, but that's what happens when you decide to not have goals. Getting married and having kids is what 20somethings do so they can talk about it at their 10 year reunion. You aren't having fun because you probably have a sucky husband also. Not only that, you choose to be pathetic. Taking ant-depressants doesn't cover up the problem. It is a sign that you actually want to be happy. Hiring a life coach would be the world's biggest neon sign to tell everyone that you are a fucking loser. You are so bad at life that you would hire a life coach? Move to a city. Buy a gun. Find a drug habit. Start an affair. Kidnap a child. Five things off the top of my head that you could do. All else fails, clean your duplex again.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Wednesday, Socks

I need help! I am a 30 year old professional male with my own condo in the city. I have a bunch of friends who are girls and are constantly trying to set me up with their friends because of what a great guy I am. But even with all of their opinions leading towards me being so "great" eventually the latest girl will leave me the same as the rest. The last girl left because I kept asking her to wear tube socks while we are making love, which I don't think is good reason to leave! (Jennifer you know who you are!) There are people out there who like to wear full animal costumes while doing it, tube socks are not that bad! I just really like them, I mean they have been around from when I first figured out how to please myself through the movie flash dance and at every sexual junction in my life! It's not like I only like purple ones either, nope, I will take any color, green, black, white, striped, even argyle!!! Is it so wrong to love their elastic goodness so much?
Throughout the whole question I deeply sympathized, and maybe empathized a fact or two until you brought up Flash Dance. But, since I'm a lover and not a Street Fighter, I will pretend I didn't read that. Setting yourself up as the 'good guy' comes with expectations. Like, you are going to be there for your gal pals when Bruno breaks her heart. Or maybe that you aren't afraid to say you like The Notebook. Or maybe you get salty-er than an ocean and say that you wish your voice sounded like that dude from Matchbox 20. In any case, women have already categorized you as a vagina with a dick extension. So, when you pull out the whole sock thing, the surprise hits them harder than Hurricane Katrina. I, too am down with the whole tube sock. And even for good measure, those black lines baseball players put under their eyes. Enough about my sporty fucks... You are totally natural in liking something particular. Women like a huge bank acccount and nobody is double penetration deep in their business! What the S?! Keep doing what you are doing, and I'm sure the ass-to-mouth ho right girl will come along.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Monday, Grandma Revenge

Please help me. Several years ago, my granddaughter -- age 17 -- beat me up. It was awful. She beat me all over and broke my knee. I have forgiven her, but somehow it eats at me. What should I do? I will never forget that beating, which happened because I wouldn't let her drive my car.

Did you get it on video? Because that's the only way it would kinda be funny. Other than that stop being a whiny old Grandma. First of all, what the shit did her parents do, and why weren't they there? Second, I hope you called the police on that cunt. Third, you should have organized a 'family party' only for it to be a setup in which you beat your granddaughter mercilessly. I'm talking 2x4 with nails on it. Or, find out if she has a boyfriend; send her pictures of you giving him fellatio. I'm pretty sure teenage girls hate seeing their boyfriends sucked off by Grandma. If you don't stand up for yourself, you will look like every other weak ass elderly person, and meanwhile your granddaughter is racking up money by being a guest on Maury. Also, is your granddaughter a dangerous minority? If so, it will probably be pregnant in a couple of months and then you can push her down the attic stairs. You're welcome.

Monday, NESW

I'm 39 and a college graduate with plenty of common sense. I'm not stupid, yet throughout my life I have had trouble differentiating between left and right, east and west. Any explanation?
You are a genuine retard.

Monday, Weight of the World

My boyfriend Chris is 6 foot 7. I'm 5 foot 4.

He weighs 240 pounds, I weigh less than 120.

Yet, he's very critical of women who have buckets and mentions it whenever my weight creeps up to around 125, which it sometimes does in the winter.

As to his weight, he admits that he should lose "maybe 5 pounds."

Now Chris is a smart man and a good one, yet he apparently does not see the disgusting spare tire that's building up around him. I ran a Body Mass Index on him. He needs to lose 20 pounds just to barely make it into the healthy category.

I told him his weight was not only a turnoff, but that it's physically unwieldy for me to be intimate with a man who outweighs me by 120 pounds. (Even if he were his ideal weight, he'd be a challenge.)

That got his attention, and he's trying to get back in shape. I'm going to stay on him in a loving way.

But it's still a mystery to me how men who are overweight feel free to be critical of women who are also overweight.
Nobody wants to fuck a porker. Mystery solved. However, 120 isn't bad. Just don't go over 125. The 120 range allows for some hot sweater-filling boob action, but puts the ass on the cusp of "You nasty!" The thing about your overweight guy is men don't have to look perfect. Alot of women like Bears fans. And some women are attracted to personality which alters their vision into physical attraction. Women are beautiful. And it is up to them to maintain that hot piece of ass.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

In Response to 'Writing Prescriptions'

To the person that I "offended" about my little joke (That was directed to my friend)- I was not picking on anyone (other than my friend). I'm very sorry to hear that things like that happen. But I think coming on to my blog where half the point is offensive humor and laying your personal shit down on me is a tad much. I (jokingly) made sexist comments about girl's being dirty liars, etc. Where were you there? Do you honestly go around comedy blogs looking to be offended? (As a friend pointed out) The solution of this is free will. I will continue making funny statements, and you don't have to look at my page when I do. Everybody wins!

P.S. No more memorial sites. I don't need your depressing family shit.

Wednesday, Love Connection 5.0

Alrite Kenny,

I am a 19, female, good looking...... Last summer I met a guy online, we fell in love ( actually, he then had just broken up with his girlfriend, seemed very lonely and desolated, so I just larked him that I love him, so that he feels not sad and broken) Then he started taking things too far..... he would start calling me with 'Wife' and other names which only a married women should be referred with...... I cleared him, does he really love me? His reply was yes he does. Hence , I too started falling for him. And we would talk of almost anything everything , even sex and other stuff

Then once when he was in my city, we met up and went superficially physical (He smooched me, felt his fingers over my body parts and, gave me bites) I didn't allow him to break my virginity though..... Its a taboo for an Indian girl..... we are supposed to break our virginity only after marriage....... Though I knew he would be marrying me, still, I didn't allow him perhaps because I was too young ( unfortunaltely, 18 is young in India)

Then some seven months back , he broke up.... my whole world crashed down....... (he broke up only because he is fairer than me , though am not dark, but he's very fair)

Now there is a guy, Mr. M, he says he loves me a lot..... He is a friend of my very good friend..... I met him also online...... this Mr. M knows everything about my past..... almost everything..... still he says he loves me and will always keep me happy....... we haven't met ever....

Mr. M is five years elder to me ...... He is from the same city as of mine, but currently he is working in UAE, and calls me up from there.....

When I am feeling low, he would sing for me.....

From his talks it appears, he really likes me..... but I wonder if he's telling honestly..... because once I have been a victim of same kind of love affair.....

Now I don't trust anyone..... almost no guy (when it comes to 'love') .....

This Mr. M says he will be coming down to my city soon and would want to meet me.....

What should I do Kenny.....? Should I meet him? Is he in love with me really?

Please tell me honestly if people can love (specially men) via virtual world, without seen someone for long.....

I have still not been able to come out of my past ..... I am still collecting the pieces of my heart..... it feels good when Mr. M says 'I love you' , but I get really scared as well......

Looking forwars to a prompt reply from you Kenny.

Mishri Kapoor

First of all, Dr. Kenny digs the Indian love.
Ok, I'll disect this like I'm seperating sushi.
First up, the first guy you met online.. It was a good decision to keep your V-card in tact while this crooner was going all Big Man on Campus (BMOC) on you. Btw, thanks for the odd details, I felt like Andy Dick was telling me a story in the dark. When a guy starts calling you 'Wife' after a brief time you have been together it either means A. He's trying to rip up your V-Card B. Because he is creepy C. All of the Above. He probably did you a favor in the long run by breaking up with you.
The second guy you met online. I'm not sure if you just discovered AOL 6.0 but dating online is probably not the best way to meet Johnny Hunkenmeyer. Anyways, I'm pretty sure a friendship is possible by just talking, but I don't think that it's love. Love is when your girlfriend won't shut the fuck up while you are trying to watch the end of the Cubs game with Soriano coming to the plate and a guy on 3rd, and still being able to tolerate her despite her bitchy way of interrupting something that is close to your heart. -Or- love is when your boyfriend forgot your birthday but you understand that he is swallowing his pride to work at Jiffy Lube so he can get by so you don't pester him.
Final point, you are young. Get offline and join a volleyball team or something. There are guys out there that are assholes. So go meet them for real and then talk to me about lack of trust.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Writing prescriptions

Courtesy of Chris Wood.

For my friend John. Sometimes I can't help everyone. And sometimes knowing when to quit is medicine in itself.

Monday, Joey Greco has nothing on me

I'm in my late 20s and have been dating a woman for about six months. For the most part, everything is great, and I could see us getting married someday.

The problem is she is still in contact with an ex, with whom she shares "custody" of a dog. She and her ex were together for two years and stopped dating two months before we met.

About once a month, they meet to take their dog on walks, and she contacts him via text a few times a week. She says he's just a good friend, but the idea of her spending time with someone she dated for so long bothers me.

She agreed to talk and hang out with him less, and while their meetings have been less frequent, they are still meeting occasionally.

I don't want to give her an ultimatum to choose between us, and it seems unfair to make her give up a friend. It's just difficult to trust her (or more likely him) when they talk and hang out.

I guess I'm a worrier and don't know if I should demand they no longer meet, or let things go.
Your girlfriend and your ex are probably still fucking. Using the dogs as an excuse is part of the arsenal of the manipulation that your lying bitch understands. From the beginning of time women have been dirty, dirty liars. They are an emotional wreck, and will probably try to justify her actions with some anti-logic.. And why aren't you allowed to be around when Rod wants time with the ex? My advice is to buy an animal for your ex, and do the same thing. You should probably start fucking your ex too. It's better to be safe than sorry. And if there is anything better than guilty, naughty sex, consider me Helen Keller.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Thursday, I hate my Mother

I am 25 years old, and my mother constantly buys me clothes. She buys me clothes on ebay, from catalogs and online stores. She lives a state away from me, where she has no friends except her boyfriend, and she works out of her home, so I assume she does it because she's bored and because she feels guilty about not being closer to her grandchildren and me.

I've told her politely that she doesn't need to buy me stuff and that she should just save it for Christmas
, but she won't listen.

I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't want her to waste her money (she is not wealthy) on stuff I really don't like or need. It's starting to make me uncomfortable.

Oh, you poor little shit. Your biggest problem is your Mom likes to do nice things for you? You should be so lucky. Some Mom's raise (or don't) latchkey kids, or they drink a lot, or hit their children. Your Mom is so lonely that she thinks of you constantly, and this is one way of showing that. And the fact that she isn't wealthy shows that she would gladly spend her money to make you happy so you can look good at the sorority get-down or bar crawl, or whatever your ungrateful ass does. If I was your Mom i would send you anthrax in an H&M box. Then you could truly separate nice surprises in the mail to a quarantined room at Good Shepard. You are going to make such a bitchy wife.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Tuesday, Hospital Harlot

I met a radiologist when I was in the hospital. We decided to keep in touch once I got out, so a week later I called him. He seemed standoffish at first, but after talking with him and meeting him at the hospital, I learned that he didn't trust women because he'd been hurt.

We've been intimate several times, but always at the hospital. How come we never do it outside of work? At least at a hotel? I'm not married and I don't have any kids. I've invited him over. He says if he comes over, he can't stay. But he never comes over. He won't have me over to his house because he's a single father with kids, ages 17 and 19. He takes being a single father seriously.

Still, he texts me from his cell, asking me what I'm doing. Then he tells me what he's doing. Do you think there's someone else? I've asked, and he said no. What's up?

Ok, First of all, that guy is awesome. He tricked you into doggystyle in the X-ray room without having to leave work. In fact, he is probably getting paid during those hours. Well done. And let me congratulate you. Way to be the first Hospital Harlot. Most people go to the hospital to get things removed or repaired. You go to the hospital to get things filled. How do you not realize at this point that you are his 15 minute break whore? It really doesn't matter if he has a wife or girlfriend or whatever, because he knows that at lunch, he can go get a porterhouse steak, and a BJ in the intensive care unit. Just be thankful that you are getting some, because I imagine you are old-ish. If you could talk him into writing a book on how he is able to manipulate the way he does, he would have at least one reader.

First Example

Dear Cheryl: I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 40. I love him. Every time I see him my heart pounds like it's about to jump right out of my chest. If I'm not with him, I miss him terribly. The problem is I just don't know how to tell him that these feelings that I have for him are real. How do I tell him?

—Young and in Love

Dear Young and in Love: You're better off not telling him. It only makes you seem even younger than you are—which is plenty young. A mature 40-year-old man would recognize the symptoms you describe as infatuation, not love.

But I have a feeling your boyfriend is not all that mature.

If he were, I don't think he'd be hanging around with you. Twenty years is a big age gap at any time, but at yours, it's the Grand Canyon. Accept your relationship for what it (probably) is—a fling. Enjoy it while it lasts, but don't be too broken up when it ends. You've got a lot of living and growing to do before you get serious about anyone.

Not bad advice, but still. Drive the point home. My advice would go a little something like...
Dear girl that seeks desperate attention (and probably brags about her fist fitting into her mouth):
People that say 'age is nothing but a number' are covering up daddy issues. Or have been touched by their Uncle in that dark cave during the family reunion. Do you honestly think that a 40 year old that is on the cusp of a midlife crisis is into you because you are soooo mature? No, here's a lifeline..You ARE part of his midlife crisis. 21 year old hot piece of ass is like methadone to his 'I have to cope with the fact that my life is half over' problem. The last thing he needs, is to hear about your immature mushy feelings that you co-opt from Meg Ryan movies, as you sit on your ass all day until your shift starts later tonight at TGI Fridays (where you met). It's not science. Find an equally dissapointing man that is your age, so you can atleast share your infinite knowledge of bad music music together. Now, I know that when you met it was something like a fairy tale. You went out for margaritas (Because you can drink at bars now!) and he told you that you are the most attractive woman he has ever met, and presto chango three hours later he lovingly promised that he would aim for your stomach. Truth is sweetheart, he doesn't know that in high school you were the community jizz jar that was looking for any attention at all. In fact he could give a fuck even if he knew. You are barely a summer rental. He will have moved to Jacksonville before you realize that stinging in your crotch was a birthday present he got from his ex wife in his younger 30's. Move on. No fairy tale lasts.


As a subscriber to newspapers (mostly online) I can't help but look at the advice columns every now and then. It helps me realize what 'other' people call problems. But mostly it gives me a chance to fine tune my inner freelance smart-ass. Most of the questions are stupid, or atleast 5 logical answers could be used if the person in crisis would grow the fuck up. I find the advice a little odd too. Not because they give bad answers, but most of these advice columns comes from women in their 40's to 60's. Well, not anymore. Not only, are these people ALL women, but they are outdated. So, I, the 25 year-old male have started my own column. To start out I will be using questions that the paper started out with. Feel free to send questions to In fact, I encourage it.
P.S. Thanks for the encouragement to do this friends!