Tuesday, September 9, 2008

First Example

Dear Cheryl: I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 40. I love him. Every time I see him my heart pounds like it's about to jump right out of my chest. If I'm not with him, I miss him terribly. The problem is I just don't know how to tell him that these feelings that I have for him are real. How do I tell him?

—Young and in Love



Dear Young and in Love: You're better off not telling him. It only makes you seem even younger than you are—which is plenty young. A mature 40-year-old man would recognize the symptoms you describe as infatuation, not love.

But I have a feeling your boyfriend is not all that mature.

If he were, I don't think he'd be hanging around with you. Twenty years is a big age gap at any time, but at yours, it's the Grand Canyon. Accept your relationship for what it (probably) is—a fling. Enjoy it while it lasts, but don't be too broken up when it ends. You've got a lot of living and growing to do before you get serious about anyone.

Not bad advice, but still. Drive the point home. My advice would go a little something like...
Dear girl that seeks desperate attention (and probably brags about her fist fitting into her mouth):
People that say 'age is nothing but a number' are covering up daddy issues. Or have been touched by their Uncle in that dark cave during the family reunion. Do you honestly think that a 40 year old that is on the cusp of a midlife crisis is into you because you are soooo mature? No, here's a lifeline..You ARE part of his midlife crisis. 21 year old hot piece of ass is like methadone to his 'I have to cope with the fact that my life is half over' problem. The last thing he needs, is to hear about your immature mushy feelings that you co-opt from Meg Ryan movies, as you sit on your ass all day until your shift starts later tonight at TGI Fridays (where you met). It's not science. Find an equally dissapointing man that is your age, so you can atleast share your infinite knowledge of bad music music together. Now, I know that when you met it was something like a fairy tale. You went out for margaritas (Because you can drink at bars now!) and he told you that you are the most attractive woman he has ever met, and presto chango three hours later he lovingly promised that he would aim for your stomach. Truth is sweetheart, he doesn't know that in high school you were the community jizz jar that was looking for any attention at all. In fact he could give a fuck even if he knew. You are barely a summer rental. He will have moved to Jacksonville before you realize that stinging in your crotch was a birthday present he got from his ex wife in his younger 30's. Move on. No fairy tale lasts.

1 comment:

Chucklyn said...

Holy Christ my balls hurt that was so funny!!!

Dr. Kenny beats "Cheryl" any day of the week.