Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Tuesday, Passion faux pas

Is there a statute of limitations on infidelity?
Before I met my girlfriend, she was in a three-year relationship with her previous boyfriend.

About six months into our relationship, she broke a date with me because her ex-boyfriend contacted her, saying that he was leaving town for good and that he needed to see her one last time. She agreed, despite my opposition, and I went home alone that night as she went off to have coffee with him.
I was rather upset. We talked about it at length, and she apologized for hurting me.
This happened a little over a year and a half ago.
We've since fallen in love and moved in together.
Recently I've found out that she actually wound up sleeping with her ex that night. I feel used and neglected all over again.
I have absolutely no reason to believe she has ever been unfaithful since, and I truly believe she loves me.
But, Amy, if I had found this out that day, or even shortly after, I would have ended the relationship. Now I am burdened with these confusing feelings of sadness and anger, and I am afraid it is going to affect our relationship.
I know I have a right to be angry, but how can I rationalize ending a relationship, or even bringing this up, when it happened so long ago and things have been great since then?

This is a feeling not many would want to have. I had an off again - on again relationship with somebody like that. May that cunt die in a grease fire ignited by her loved ones.

If you have the slightest thought that she has been unfaithful, lying, blowing the Sacramento Kings, etc., then you are probably right. When you spend a significant amount of time with somebody, there is a natural lie detector test that develops in your brain. Inconsistencies in behavior always set this off, and the people that get away with cheating, get away because their partner is too fucking stupid. However, women do have a better chance of getting away with a lie. Men are too ignorant to hold down a lie. Women are better at this because they are inherently evil.

So, really all you are left with is the thought of that night your girl's ex fucked her like a monster truck crushing 6 cars at once. This is enough to cross a man's breaking point to the degree of robbing a bank, beating up their boss, or liking UFC. If there is still a night out of nowhere when she can build up that old passion with an ex, then you know this is not marriage material and will serve you better in the long run.

The thing that concerns me is you are "worried how it will affect your relationship?" THE RELATIONSHIP SHOULD BE OVER THEN AND THERE! One cliche that rings true is 'once a cheater, always a cheater.' You need to either fuck one of your ex's or fuck one of her friends. If she has a sister, fuck her too! You need to let her know that her actions are more of a call to arms than a 'bump in the road' to your shitty relationship. If all else fails, you can pray that she gets raped at a party.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Tuesday, Grass is Always Meaner

My husband and I are in our early 40s. We've been married for 10 years and have two young children.

My husband constantly hates his jobs — he's had several in our time together. He has had some miserable experiences. I work part time and carry some of our benefits.

Ninety percent of our time together is consumed with his looking for a job, threatening to quit his job and talking about money.

I've tried to threaten him — and we've gone to counseling.

Alas, I'm sick of him.

We can't put down roots. We can't renovate houses. We can barely commit to a dinner party six weeks out because we might be moving, we might be divorcing or we might be fighting.

We need to be happy where we are, because we have two happy, healthy wonderful kids and a lot of really good stuff going on.

How do you get out of the "grass is always greener" phase, and how can I make my husband shut up and enjoy his life?

Thank you for the 345th reason not to get married.

I, too, cannot stand when people just bitch and moan about their job. It goes farther than that. My cunt of an ex-girlfriend that I spent some of my glory years with would always make it a point to call me after work. In other relationships this was a nice and welcomed gesture. But my ex would just talk about her day as if I knew what the hell she was saying. I don't know who Steve in accounting is and I sure as hell don't know what an FGH file is. It got to a point where I couldn't take it. I would either press the 'fuck you' button when she called or I would make an excuse to get off the phone. Unless you are an astronaut or a foxy-boxer, I don't want to hear more than two minutes of your day.

For some reason I imagine your husband to be a bald chubby guy that watches a lot of CBS and outright hates his life. There is no easy way out of this "I hate my job" phase. Have you ever worked at the State? You will enter a bright young person looking to seize every opportunity and leaving that job thinking about all the paths you could have gone and wondering why you are paying for this shitty health insurance. Usually my answer to all these things are more sex. But really, you just married an asshole who also looks back at all the paths he could have taken. You're screwed.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Tuesday, Sex can wait, Reciprocate!

I have been through two courtships and marriages that I thought were very happy but were not very romantic. These relationships spanned 57 years.

My first husband bought me tea and chocolates as Christmas and special-occasion gifts.

My second husband bought dishes and kitchen appliances, and for my birthday one year he bought and installed a pair of windshield wipers on my car. For Mother's Day he bought and installed a muffler on my car. These were things I needed and appreciated.

Neither husband ever bought me flowers — not once!

Here is my problem.

Here I am, nearly 80 years old, and I have met a widower. Let me call him "Mr. Romantic."

He is sending me roses. What do I do with them? Do I just put them in a vase? Other than writing him a thank-you note, how do I reciprocate?

I feel like a 16-year-old girl again, but I don't want to ruin this relationship or embarrass him.

We are having the time of our lives making lemonade from the lemons life dealt us.

I'm a widowed great-great-grandmother, starting over!

Ugh. Please do not compare your 80-year-old self to your 16-year-old self. I am pretty sure "Mr. Romantic" will not finger you in a movie theater and steal beer from his Dad after.

First off, what is so romantic about chocolate and flowers? It's a cliche that has gone on for way too long only to be egged on by shitty romantic comedies, where the guy shows up at the airport just in time to profess his love. What's wrong with guys getting you something you need? Is a state of the art microwave and two orgasms not enough romance, Grandma? Romance isn't material things, it's saying and doing things because you genuinely care for the other person.

In the grand scheme of things, you should be so lucky to have met somebody so late in life. There are only so many VFW halls, so I'm not sure how you swung a romantic moron that buys you candy. And you say your problem is not knowing how to reciprocate?! Your problem is, you are fucking 80-years-old. If I was a betting man, I'd put you in my death pool every year I knew you, because let's face it...you're going to eat it hard, and soon.

You talk about romance, yet you don't know how to reciprocate? Maybe you were the one that isn't romantic. I hate to be such a "guy" but the best reciprocation is lady ass. With every north and south movement, we know we have made you as happy as you are making us feel right now. Now, I'm not sure if this guy wants to see your wrinkly, hefty-bag-of-laundry body on his twin bed at Hospice, but it's worth a try. Take out your dentures and go downtown (if you're hip and back will let you.) Other than that, just appreciate that somebody is keeping you company before you die relatively alone.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Monday, Friend Zone

I am a 30-year-old woman who is deeply smitten with a close friend I'll call "Andy." He often tells me about other women he's interested in. As his friend, I am more than happy to listen to his troubles and offer advice. At the same time, it's not always easy to hear about these women because of my feelings for him.

Do you think that once someone is in the "friend zone" it's possible to move beyond that? Or am I doomed to a lifetime of being "the friend"?

Step by step game plan:

1. Go out to a bar. Talk about what you normally talk about, whether it be that Mitch Hedberg joke you two always bring up, or how you cannot stand your friend Stacy and how she won't shut the fuck up about her meticulous details of her wedding plans.
2. Make sure Andy gets drunk.
3. Tell Andy you like him. Even if he doesn't like you back, he will have alcohol in his system. Odds are he will at least sleep with you. This will soften the blow that you are in the friend zone FOREVER!

Men are more oblivious when it comes to sending signals. So, if you are sick of hearing how many gals he bangs, tell him you don't want to hear it, or that you like him.
Being friends is important first, so you got that out of the way. If all else fails, sleep with his twin brother, or best friend. This will make him speak up if he really likes you.
Once again, I am right.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Cosmo Comparison

I couldn't resist. Cosmo is now pumping columns through MSN because all print media is dying. My writing is in the orange. This is my take on :

Why Guys Dump Girls They Dig

Nothing is more upsetting than when a guy you darn well know is into you pulls the plug. One man gets to the bottom of out-of-the-blue breakups.

Chances are, you've had at least one breakup that left you wondering, "What the heck just happened?" The guy dug you, you dug him, and the whole thing felt destined for a fabulous future — at least the foreseeable one. Then, out of nowhere, he bailed on the relationship.

So what went wrong? The sad truth is, maybe nothing. Here are five completely ridiculous reasons guys kick you to the curb. Warning: For the most part, it ain't pretty.

1. The Timing Is Off
Women get serious when they meet the right man. Men get serious with whomever we happen to be dating when we're finally ready to settle down. That means after every other aspect of our life is in order — whether it's finishing grad school, finally pulling down a good-size paycheck, owning a car outright — or when our friends start dropping like flies (that's guyspeak for getting married).

But if you catch a guy before he hits that magical stage of his life, then he's liable to bolt — like Patrick,* 28, who dumped Bridgett after two years, then got engaged to the next girl he dated after only 10 months. "When I was with Bridgett, all of my friends were single and I was still an intern with nothing going on in my career. So every time she'd bring up our future together, it felt like she was jumping the gun," he says. "I didn't break up with her because she was wrong for me. I ended it because I didn't want to commit to anyone right then. But by the time I met Elizabeth, I was in a settling-down frame of mind."

I have never thought about it like that, therefore, it’s untrue. Did you ever think that you got engaged to the next girl, because the one before it was a total pain in the ass? This should really be categorized as “By Comparison.” I have come out of terrible relationships to girls that were laid back, and thought holy shit, this is easy? Only to realize 8 months down the line they turn into a blurred image of the one before.

2. We're Not Finished Playing the Field
Men are natural-born one-uppers. If there's a possibility of upgrading what we already have for something better (that'll make our friends drool), we say, bring it on! So we wind up always wondering if you're really as good as it gets. (I know, scumbag mentality.) "Whenever I meet a new hot chick, I consider what it would be like to date her, even if I have a girlfriend at the time," says Andy, 30. "The grass is always greener. No matter how great his current girl is, a guy doesn't want to feel like he's missing out."

In addition to our opportunistic tendencies, most guys feel compelled to put as many sexual conquests under their belts as possible. "I admit it — I know the exact number of girls I've slept with, no mental calculation required," says Dan, 29. "That's how aware I am of how many notches I have. And I'd never commit until I felt like I'd experienced enough different women."

Every guy's definition of enough is different, so there's a chance he wrote you off just because you didn't come late enough on his own personal hit list. The moral of the story: Until we grow up, mark everything off our sexual checklists or have too many friends convince us that we can't do better than you, the flight risk is real.

Um, sorry, but my dick does not have a bucket list. If I manage to find a girl that I’m compatible and happy with, I’m not going to get rid of her because my penis has a counter on the side like a fucking Skip It. Women, stop dating frat guys that consider Dane Cook the next Richard Pryor.

3. We're Fixated on the Worst-Case Scenario
From the times you chastise us for leaving a wet towel on the bed to those nights you rip through a pint of fudge ripple without stopping to breathe, we file each incident in a mental folder labeled "Evidence She'll Change for the Worse." We flip through that file whenever we're trying to decide if we want to hang on to the relationship. Blame our married friends who took the plunge before us, but many single guys are hyperaware of what could go wrong down the road.

Even if we're crazy about you now, we panic that you'll pack on the pounds, want sex only once a month and nag us day and night. So we secretly flag certain things we're scared might be a harbinger of bad things to come. "I've seen it happen to too many of my friends," says Elliot, 29. "All they do is complain about how the sex takes a total nosedive after they get serious with a girl. So sometimes, even if the woman I'm dating is a saucy little minx, I freak out and bail."

This one is true. A woman’s attitude will break down like Chris Mullin’s career. If I have gained any knowledge about women, it’s that they are ticking time bombs. The only difference is to what degree, and how long before you build a panic room in your house just to get five minutes away from somebody that lovingly points out everything you do that’s wrong. After being in a worthless 5 year relationship I can almost sense when a girl is about to make a scene. Kind of like when Jeff Goldblum decided that a dinosaur park is dangerous a couple scenes before the T-Rex attacks the Ford Explorers in Jurassic Park.

4.We're in Like, Not in Love
It's harsh but true. In fact, it's probably the most common reason we bolt. Just because a guy likes you a lot isn't a guarantee that it will evolve into love. And we're surprisingly intuitive when it comes to figuring out a girl's potential on this front. "I stayed with one woman for two years because the sex was great and she never pushed the issue, but I knew the minute I met her that she wasn't The One," says David, 30.

So why do we invest any time in a relationship that we know will ultimately end? Because we're able to live in the moment for a while and chalk it up to a good experience. But once you show that you're way more into us than we are into you, we'll dump you out of guilt. "I dated this girl for about a year, but as soon as she started using the L word, I had to end it," recalls Jay, 29. "It was hard. I cared about her and didn't want to hurt her. But I knew that if I stuck around, she'd have been happier at first but miserable later on. After all, she deserved to be with someone who loved her as much as she loved me."

Also true. Women have watched enough Mandy Moore movies to know that if you are dating someone for three months, you will marry him!!! This is where I kind of get teased by my friends. Most of the reason I don’t date people for very long is that women are rushing to put a label on everything you do. Whatever happened to hanging out for awhile and seeing what it evolves to? Those are the best kind of relationships, because you actually get to know the person; so you can avoid surprises dropped on you like, “I know the Hawks are on, but this is when I watch The Hills.” If you have already jumped into a relationship it’s harder not to take away the remote and call her a bitch.

5. We're Too into You
Just when you thought it was all bad news, here's a hard-to-fess-up admission: Guys are protective of their emotions. Translation: We're scared spitless of being hurt. So, if we start to feel like we're getting into a situation where we'll be destroyed if you dump us, we might launch a preemptive strike and yank the plug first.

For Gary, 27, showing his girlfriend of two years the exit felt like the only choice. "She was the first girl I was serious with, and I didn't like letting someone have that much power over me. I was starting to feel emotionally needy, and that was uncomfortable for me," he recalls. "So I ditched her to save myself!"

Sounds crazy, but cut us some slack. Think about how vulnerable and paranoid you feel when you're nuts about a guy, and realize that we go through the same thing with girls we really like. But our friends aren't as good at helping us get over an ex as yours are, plus being openly heartbroken makes us look like wusses. Nope, it's better to act like a winner before you turn us into a loser, which is when our natural self-preservation may come into play. Before the real humiliation and pain assail us like a plague, ending the relationship seems like a good option.

I guess that works. I don’t know. If I’m really into somebody, I let them know that I like them and keep the rest to myself. There are times to show a gal that you like them, but going overboard scares them away too. Another technique is showing that you care, and then at other times like you don’t even notice. This drives women completely nuts and their confusion turns into obsession. The tables thus become turned. So anything you give her positive will feel magnified in her mind, and you still stay a dream boat!

Side note: Nobody says “wusses” anymore. That’s so 90’s.

Are You About to Be Jilted? Signs that your man's getting ready to bail:

His cell phone is always off. He might be spending time with someone he doesn't want you to know about ... or he just doesn't want to make himself available.

I am one that believes if you are spending quality time together, I don’t want it interrupted. This is where technology sucks. If I haven’t seen you all week and we are watching a movie together and you keep texting someone that is ruining our night, stay the fuck home. I either turn off my phone or keep it silent for the most part. I have been accused of hiding calls or texts, which is beyond ridiculous. I just have manners.

He's reluctant to make plans. If he hems and haws about committing to anything — even if it's in the semi-near future — he's thinking about making a break for it.

This depends on what the schedule is like. Mine is pretty busy, so if I can’t do one day I’ll try and make it another day……If I like the person. If I am not feeling it anymore, I’m not going to try. The excuse of “Different schedules” is french for “I don’t like you like that anymore.”

He's meaner. The passive-aggressive breakup is a guy standby. Some men intentionally turn into a-holes to make sure you break up with them.

Yeah...This isn’t fun to do. But it happens. Ignoring phone calls and texts is another mean way to go about it, but so effective. Girls do it too, so don’t think I’m a total asshole.

He's not into sex. He doesn't want to feel connected to you — or he's getting his needs filled somewhere else.

Yeah...Cosmo got one right.

In conclusion, men are shit sometimes. However, a lot of these situations are just the occupational hazards of dating. Rejection, overcompensating, meaningless sex. It’s kind of a nightmare. Dating is terrible, but to quote Patton Oswalt, “It’s a fun nightmare, and then there are boners in it somehow.”

I also learned that Cosmo got almost half of that right. They have been misleading women for years, i.e. Don’t grab testicles with kung fu grip. I don’t want my future accidents coming out as little Corky’s.

Tuesday, Kiddie Problems

I'm in middle school. I've been having some troubles with a teacher. I told this teacher something recently and she has insulted me and made me feel dumb.

She acts as if I am dumb in front of the entire class! I try to not let it get to me, but it's starting to really hurt me! Help!

Are you fucking shitting me?! This is your problem? Everyone thinks their teacher is mean to them, and sometimes you will get a vicious one, because they have real problems they are taking out on you. Real problems. Wait until you get a mortgage, or when your ex-boyfriend knocks you up right after high school because you thought that sex would bring him back to you. Wait until your landlord raises your rent, even though somebody got robbed at gunpoint ten yards outside of your front door. Wait until you are in the unemployment line just begging to God to give you the courage to do the car in the garage suffocating thing.
And here you are bitching that your math teacher got mad at you once. I hope your future at Red Lobster is fulfilling.

It's Good to be Back

Sorry I have been gone. I blame being social, playoff hockey, and writing for other things. But I'm back in a big way..