Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Cosmo Comparison

I couldn't resist. Cosmo is now pumping columns through MSN because all print media is dying. My writing is in the orange. This is my take on :

Why Guys Dump Girls They Dig

Nothing is more upsetting than when a guy you darn well know is into you pulls the plug. One man gets to the bottom of out-of-the-blue breakups.

Chances are, you've had at least one breakup that left you wondering, "What the heck just happened?" The guy dug you, you dug him, and the whole thing felt destined for a fabulous future — at least the foreseeable one. Then, out of nowhere, he bailed on the relationship.

So what went wrong? The sad truth is, maybe nothing. Here are five completely ridiculous reasons guys kick you to the curb. Warning: For the most part, it ain't pretty.

1. The Timing Is Off
Women get serious when they meet the right man. Men get serious with whomever we happen to be dating when we're finally ready to settle down. That means after every other aspect of our life is in order — whether it's finishing grad school, finally pulling down a good-size paycheck, owning a car outright — or when our friends start dropping like flies (that's guyspeak for getting married).

But if you catch a guy before he hits that magical stage of his life, then he's liable to bolt — like Patrick,* 28, who dumped Bridgett after two years, then got engaged to the next girl he dated after only 10 months. "When I was with Bridgett, all of my friends were single and I was still an intern with nothing going on in my career. So every time she'd bring up our future together, it felt like she was jumping the gun," he says. "I didn't break up with her because she was wrong for me. I ended it because I didn't want to commit to anyone right then. But by the time I met Elizabeth, I was in a settling-down frame of mind."

I have never thought about it like that, therefore, it’s untrue. Did you ever think that you got engaged to the next girl, because the one before it was a total pain in the ass? This should really be categorized as “By Comparison.” I have come out of terrible relationships to girls that were laid back, and thought holy shit, this is easy? Only to realize 8 months down the line they turn into a blurred image of the one before.

2. We're Not Finished Playing the Field
Men are natural-born one-uppers. If there's a possibility of upgrading what we already have for something better (that'll make our friends drool), we say, bring it on! So we wind up always wondering if you're really as good as it gets. (I know, scumbag mentality.) "Whenever I meet a new hot chick, I consider what it would be like to date her, even if I have a girlfriend at the time," says Andy, 30. "The grass is always greener. No matter how great his current girl is, a guy doesn't want to feel like he's missing out."

In addition to our opportunistic tendencies, most guys feel compelled to put as many sexual conquests under their belts as possible. "I admit it — I know the exact number of girls I've slept with, no mental calculation required," says Dan, 29. "That's how aware I am of how many notches I have. And I'd never commit until I felt like I'd experienced enough different women."

Every guy's definition of enough is different, so there's a chance he wrote you off just because you didn't come late enough on his own personal hit list. The moral of the story: Until we grow up, mark everything off our sexual checklists or have too many friends convince us that we can't do better than you, the flight risk is real.

Um, sorry, but my dick does not have a bucket list. If I manage to find a girl that I’m compatible and happy with, I’m not going to get rid of her because my penis has a counter on the side like a fucking Skip It. Women, stop dating frat guys that consider Dane Cook the next Richard Pryor.

3. We're Fixated on the Worst-Case Scenario
From the times you chastise us for leaving a wet towel on the bed to those nights you rip through a pint of fudge ripple without stopping to breathe, we file each incident in a mental folder labeled "Evidence She'll Change for the Worse." We flip through that file whenever we're trying to decide if we want to hang on to the relationship. Blame our married friends who took the plunge before us, but many single guys are hyperaware of what could go wrong down the road.

Even if we're crazy about you now, we panic that you'll pack on the pounds, want sex only once a month and nag us day and night. So we secretly flag certain things we're scared might be a harbinger of bad things to come. "I've seen it happen to too many of my friends," says Elliot, 29. "All they do is complain about how the sex takes a total nosedive after they get serious with a girl. So sometimes, even if the woman I'm dating is a saucy little minx, I freak out and bail."

This one is true. A woman’s attitude will break down like Chris Mullin’s career. If I have gained any knowledge about women, it’s that they are ticking time bombs. The only difference is to what degree, and how long before you build a panic room in your house just to get five minutes away from somebody that lovingly points out everything you do that’s wrong. After being in a worthless 5 year relationship I can almost sense when a girl is about to make a scene. Kind of like when Jeff Goldblum decided that a dinosaur park is dangerous a couple scenes before the T-Rex attacks the Ford Explorers in Jurassic Park.

4.We're in Like, Not in Love
It's harsh but true. In fact, it's probably the most common reason we bolt. Just because a guy likes you a lot isn't a guarantee that it will evolve into love. And we're surprisingly intuitive when it comes to figuring out a girl's potential on this front. "I stayed with one woman for two years because the sex was great and she never pushed the issue, but I knew the minute I met her that she wasn't The One," says David, 30.

So why do we invest any time in a relationship that we know will ultimately end? Because we're able to live in the moment for a while and chalk it up to a good experience. But once you show that you're way more into us than we are into you, we'll dump you out of guilt. "I dated this girl for about a year, but as soon as she started using the L word, I had to end it," recalls Jay, 29. "It was hard. I cared about her and didn't want to hurt her. But I knew that if I stuck around, she'd have been happier at first but miserable later on. After all, she deserved to be with someone who loved her as much as she loved me."

Also true. Women have watched enough Mandy Moore movies to know that if you are dating someone for three months, you will marry him!!! This is where I kind of get teased by my friends. Most of the reason I don’t date people for very long is that women are rushing to put a label on everything you do. Whatever happened to hanging out for awhile and seeing what it evolves to? Those are the best kind of relationships, because you actually get to know the person; so you can avoid surprises dropped on you like, “I know the Hawks are on, but this is when I watch The Hills.” If you have already jumped into a relationship it’s harder not to take away the remote and call her a bitch.

5. We're Too into You
Just when you thought it was all bad news, here's a hard-to-fess-up admission: Guys are protective of their emotions. Translation: We're scared spitless of being hurt. So, if we start to feel like we're getting into a situation where we'll be destroyed if you dump us, we might launch a preemptive strike and yank the plug first.

For Gary, 27, showing his girlfriend of two years the exit felt like the only choice. "She was the first girl I was serious with, and I didn't like letting someone have that much power over me. I was starting to feel emotionally needy, and that was uncomfortable for me," he recalls. "So I ditched her to save myself!"

Sounds crazy, but cut us some slack. Think about how vulnerable and paranoid you feel when you're nuts about a guy, and realize that we go through the same thing with girls we really like. But our friends aren't as good at helping us get over an ex as yours are, plus being openly heartbroken makes us look like wusses. Nope, it's better to act like a winner before you turn us into a loser, which is when our natural self-preservation may come into play. Before the real humiliation and pain assail us like a plague, ending the relationship seems like a good option.

I guess that works. I don’t know. If I’m really into somebody, I let them know that I like them and keep the rest to myself. There are times to show a gal that you like them, but going overboard scares them away too. Another technique is showing that you care, and then at other times like you don’t even notice. This drives women completely nuts and their confusion turns into obsession. The tables thus become turned. So anything you give her positive will feel magnified in her mind, and you still stay a dream boat!

Side note: Nobody says “wusses” anymore. That’s so 90’s.

Are You About to Be Jilted? Signs that your man's getting ready to bail:

His cell phone is always off. He might be spending time with someone he doesn't want you to know about ... or he just doesn't want to make himself available.

I am one that believes if you are spending quality time together, I don’t want it interrupted. This is where technology sucks. If I haven’t seen you all week and we are watching a movie together and you keep texting someone that is ruining our night, stay the fuck home. I either turn off my phone or keep it silent for the most part. I have been accused of hiding calls or texts, which is beyond ridiculous. I just have manners.

He's reluctant to make plans. If he hems and haws about committing to anything — even if it's in the semi-near future — he's thinking about making a break for it.

This depends on what the schedule is like. Mine is pretty busy, so if I can’t do one day I’ll try and make it another day……If I like the person. If I am not feeling it anymore, I’m not going to try. The excuse of “Different schedules” is french for “I don’t like you like that anymore.”

He's meaner. The passive-aggressive breakup is a guy standby. Some men intentionally turn into a-holes to make sure you break up with them.

Yeah...This isn’t fun to do. But it happens. Ignoring phone calls and texts is another mean way to go about it, but so effective. Girls do it too, so don’t think I’m a total asshole.

He's not into sex. He doesn't want to feel connected to you — or he's getting his needs filled somewhere else.

Yeah...Cosmo got one right.

In conclusion, men are shit sometimes. However, a lot of these situations are just the occupational hazards of dating. Rejection, overcompensating, meaningless sex. It’s kind of a nightmare. Dating is terrible, but to quote Patton Oswalt, “It’s a fun nightmare, and then there are boners in it somehow.”

I also learned that Cosmo got almost half of that right. They have been misleading women for years, i.e. Don’t grab testicles with kung fu grip. I don’t want my future accidents coming out as little Corky’s.


Anonymous said...

ohhhhhhhhhh, kyyyyyennie...

katiehova said...

Men and women are so different... But I really don't think they are that douchey. Cosmo sucks.