Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Dr. Kenny vs. MSN

Whenever I (rarely) go to my Hotmail account to see emails from people I have written off, or links to Amazon begging me to buy Sister Act 2, I happen to notice the MSN links that are on my front page. There is alot of relationship garbage. So I was curious to see what my competition is up to. Today, they had this attention grabber: 8 THINGS GUYS SAY THEY HATE ABOUT WOMEN BUT SECRETLY LOVE. Boy was this a lob down the plate. To preface this, I have to say that MSN relationship writers might be on a par with Teen Beat. Just sayin'. Yours truely went to the trouble to copy all of the responses. So here goes....


8 Things Guys Say They Hate about Women But Secretly Love


Blond Ambition

"I hate when my girlfriend works late, but I secretly love how motivated she is and how much she cares about everything she does."

—Alex, 24

Yeah, I totally don't.
A. I don't want to hear that "I'm really tired" excuse when it comes to boning. If that's the case take a five minute nap, and I'll make love.
B. Who's going to pay attention to me? I'm a man, I have to be desired. You never saw James Bond watching Rock Of Love on his couch waiting endlessly for you to come home.



The Provider

"I tell her I hate it when she whines, but it's actually cute. It makes me feel needed and important and manly — like I can provide for her and that will stop her whining. I should add that it's a once-in-a-while pleasure."

—Matt, 27

That makes you feel manly? That makes me want to kick a baby deer in the face. When I hear things like "Can you go make me a drink?" or "I wanna cuddle" in the whiny voice, it makes me think that the Jon Benet family caught a break. Both of those are okay, just not in the whiny voice. Whiny voice is only ok when...
A. You have the flu
B. You are begging for sex at 4am after you just got back from drinking Jameson with your friends all night.



Tabloid Scammer

"I would be bummed out if she canceled her Us Weekly subscription. I hate having to see Spencer Pratt's ugly mug all the time, but it turns out to be the perfect magazine to read in the bathroom."

—Scott, 33


I would be bummed out if my girlfriend read US Weekly. And Scott, I'm pretty sure you have a tribal tattoo or secretly whack off to Keanuu Reeves. The perfect things to read in the bathroom are Sports Illustrated, Rolling Stone, a book, or a laptop. I prefer the laptop because it is an endless source of reading.

Garbage Duty

"I always complain about how my girlfriend expects me to do all of the 'man stuff' around the house, like replacing light bulbs and taking out the trash, but I secretly like it."

—Mat, 25

Ah. You spell Matt with one 'T.' Euro trash.

I actually like a self sufficient woman. Men like confidence and independence as well. Men also like when women take out the trash in boy shorts and a see through 80's shirt.



Guilty Pleasures

"I hate when my girlfriend watches shows like The Hills and The City, but recently I find myself secretly loving Monday TV nights."

—Jake, 26


Might as well say fuck you to Mom and Dad for paying for your MBA. When you watch those kind of shows, you are actively turning into Terry Schiavo. And who is this girl that makes you watch this shit? Oh, you met her at Hooters? Ok then.

Mother Nurture

"My girlfriend has a tendency of stating the obvious. What I mean is that she will tell me to do something that I am clearly either in the process of doing or going to do. See, you girls always assume that we are eventually going to screw up and do something stupid, so you feel obliged to remind us at every opportunity.

It drives me nuts, but I guarantee that the moment she stops paying attention to what I'm doing or if I'm doing it the way it should be done, I start feeling like she just doesn't care! So after a grunt or two, I go and fetch her to ask her opinion. Go figure!"

—James, 25

Yeah, I just love a nag. I'm pretty sure I would not miss nagging. I'd rather have a bad hangover, because I know that will eventually go away. This is a really bad myth that MSN is trying to spread. On behalf of the male race: This is bullshit. James has to say this stuff so his girlfriend will give him oral sex every Christmas.

Date Planner

"I would be bummed if my girlfriend stopped planning out our evenings several days in advance. It makes it easy for me because I don't have to plan anything, but it is annoying sometimes how organized a person can be."

—Brian, 24

This would be complete hell. You like that your girlfriend controls your life like the army?
"Honey, go see Sex and the City with your friend, I'm going to stay here and masturbate with my own tears."

Why All of the Questions?

"I'm around a lot of women who are very worried. It seems as if everything you do is followed by a question: Why did you do that? Are you all right? You sure you're not hungry? I always talk about how I hate these incessant questions, but I know deep down if they stopped I would feel less important. It's good to know that people care about you enough to ask those questions, even though they might be annoying."

—Ben, 25

This is like being followed around by a 5 year old. This is the most annoying during a movie...
"Guess what? I can't answer anymore of your questions because you made me miss most of the plot and I'm as clueless as you are."
Or when you just want quiet. Every stupid thing that comes out of her mouth that ends in the question mark, makes me dream about how I could shrink myself and live in solitude inside the Lincoln Log cabins I built when I was little.
"Whatcha thinking about?" What's your favorite color? Do you fantasize about less maintenance girlfriends that you foolishly broke up with by comparison everytime my mouth looks like it's run by an engine made of Red Bull?

3 comments:

Nicole said...

I kissed my Hotmail goodbye because I too couldn't stand all the "relationship advice" - that, and the fact that they always recapped the Today Show on the welcome screen and God damn it, if there's a more inane show than the fucking Today Show, I dare you find it [remember they wouldn't shut up about "Blue Man" Paul Karason, the guy that ate colloidal silver AT HIS OWN FREE WILL and we all are supposed to applaud his lot in life even after he TURNED FUCKING BLUE (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22536241/)]. You are correct - MSN relationship writers are equivalent to Teen Beat writers and I much prefer your brand of truth.

However, the Jon Benet comment was a bit HORRIBLE.

walkerspoint said...

Two words... Stockholm Syndrome

kerith said...

don't forget, dr. kenny, we're going to the orchestra next friday and then saturday we're going out for oysters...and oh, don't forget to take out the trash and do all those other things that only a man can do!
you know you're my man!
masculine dr. kenny!

did you forget?
are you SUUUUUUURE you didn't forget?