Wednesday, Bisexual Gal

My 14-year-old daughter, "Melissa," is bisexual. Most girls her age have sleepovers, but my husband says that any girl Melissa likes should be considered the same as a boyfriend, so it is not appropriate for her to spend the night.

I disagree. A girlfriend is not the same -- mainly because Melissa won't end up getting pregnant after spending the night with a girl. What do you think?

Congratulations retard. You have won the award for "People I'd like to punch in the face- of the week." Dad is totally right. Would you like to bring ice cream down into the basement just to have it shatter when you witness your daughter's mouth glued to her best pal's vagina?!Yeah, I didn't think so.

But I can't get past a fourteen year old already thinking she is bisexual. "Mellissa" probably barely has boobs, and the fern is starting to grow into spring still- if you know your metaphors. This leads me to think:

A. She is confused, which all teenagers are as their body turns into a transformer.

B. She has already been sexual with both a male and a female which makes me think you are terrible parents.

C. She has been molested. If this girl lives in Florida or Texas, circle C for sure.

D. She is probably looking for attention.

Either way, your daughter is trouble. My only advice is to build one of those creepy praying rooms like the one in Carrie. With that in mind don't let her go to the prom either. Nothing worse than seeing your daughter post-drunk, post-sucked off 6 guys in a night.

Wednesday, Bad Hair Day

As the years have passed, my brown hair has slowly been replaced by threads of silver. Friends and relatives have teased me about it. I don't let their remarks bother me, but certain individuals do irritate me with their remarks. So I came up with a comeback to address their comments.

I tell them with a smile that each of my white hairs represents a "seed of wisdom" in my "field" of knowledge. I love seeing their expressions when I say this. Perhaps this will help other seniors. What do you think?

Good comeback, Tony Danza. You are old and are going to die soon.

Friday, Fantasy drunk

Last weekend I drank a little too much and passed out on the floor of my room. Normally, your friends would take this as an opportunity to write on your body or put shaving cream on your face. Not my friends. They noticed that my fantasy football league was open on my computer and proceeded to release every player on my roster. Add to it that there is significant money involved, and I was in first place. Is this the most unforgivable "prank" that can happen to guy? Really, they could have slashed my tires and I would have been less mad.

That is fucking hilarious.

Throughout time, men have abused other unconscious men who fail at drinking. It's almost a rite of passage, and we have all been the abuser, or the abusee. This, however, takes things to a whole new level. First of all, you always close something as valuable as your fantasy football team especially when you have friends as roommates. You kinda have yourself to blame.

If anyone ever did that to me, they would always pay for it. Suggestions for revenge*:

1. Get on their email and write a family member pretending to be the person that you are out to ruin. Tell them you went out to a gay club, and that you liked it. That it felt dirty. Sexy dirty.

2. Wake them up in the middle night and tell them that police were called, and that their parents are dead. You can use the cold sweat that will ensue to water your plants.

3. Buy a ton of exotic ants. Cover their room to the point where somebody would ask them if they are the Keymaster. (This may backfire depending on how close your room is)

* Revenge may lead to counter-revenge
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Wednesday, Flirty.

I have been dating a guy for about six months. The issue I am trying to deal with concerns the number of his female friends. He is a single dad who raised his daughter on his own. She is involved in sports, and so he became friendly with a lot of the mothers of his daughter's friends. Most of these women are single, by the way.

I have met one or two of them, and they seem very nice. I believe there is nothing going on, but there are one or two whom I have not met, and I have overheard him being very flirty with them. I have asked him about it, and he gets defensive, saying it is playful and innocent. He also meets these women now and then for dinner.

I am becoming more and more uncomfortable with this, and so, in return, he is keeping things from me. What do I do? Can men and women really be just friends?

This is a good question, because every guy ever that has been in a relationship has had to listen to the whining, skull-numbing, verbal beating women give when they get insecure.

Men and women can be just friends. Dr. Kenny has many of them in fact. And sure every now and then, it can lead to a night of Led Zeppelin II, billion shots of patron, and panties in your laundry. But that is when you are single.

When you are with somebody, that factor goes away, unless you are an asshole and probably shouldn't be dating somebody anyway. The simple fact is this: If you were friends with them before, it is unfair to be asked to change the way you treat that friend because your girlfriend watched an Oprah special that day that made her feel like she had to be batshit insane.

And as far as a guy just talking to them at a social event involving their children, well what do you want him to do? Call the woman a slut because she complimented him on bring the orange slices at halftime?

Women are into confidence. It's a wide known thing. But men are too. If a woman constantly bitches about being jealous, that insecurity will turn into weakness. Weakness is a turn off. So, unless you want to go back to square one with your vibrator, just quit your bitching.

Wednesday, Can I call you a whore?

What do you think of a woman in her 40s who uses the word "whores" to describe 7th-grade girls? The girls in question are schoolmates of this woman's daughter and have limited to no experience with boys. One of them is my daughter.

The woman considers herself to be a good Christian, and she attends church regularly. I am just astounded by this behavior.

What do you think?

I think everyone has the right to use the word "whores." Have you seen teens today? They dress and act like whores. I personally blame THE MTV with all their bad programming, and that it is ok to be stupid and trashy. However, that's a two way street. If we didn't have teenage whores, we wouldn't have girls that: A. Know to swallow. B. Show you the magical uses of boobs C. let you fuck them in a parking lot.

I'm getting a little off track here.

I'm not sure why Miss Christianity would call your daughter a whore because you didn't explain all circumstances. Chances are your daughter is a whore.

Tuesday, Electronic mail cheater

I have been married for five years, and we have a wonderful daughter, who is 3 years old. My wife and my daughter are my life, and I consider myself a very happy man.

The other day, my wife left her e-mail account open and I noticed an exchange of messages to and from a previous boyfriend of hers. This man cheated on her, then dumped her.

I learned that he e-mailed her one night when he was drunk. To my dismay, she replied to him in a very warm tone, encouraging him to get in touch more often. They have exchanged a few messages.

He is married, too, but along with exchanging information about mutual friends he also includes many compliments to my wife. She replied to him, saying how happy she is that they are back in touch. Several times she encouraged him to keep writing.

In my opinion there is an honorable, responsible way to do things. If he wants to hear how she is doing, he should do it in the open, and his wife and I should be aware of it. I feel destroyed and emotionally betrayed.

Am I overreacting?

No. You are under reacting.

Emotional betrayal cuts just as deep as physical betrayal. She must pay.

Start by sitting in the dark for hours until she comes home. When she gets home and turns on all the lights she will be uber frightened to see you coldly, and human-less-ly glaring at her. Ask her who she has been talking to on her email. Before she has a chance to respond, break that fine china her Aunt Patti gave you for your wedding. Make sure your body language says "I'll waterboard you at any given moment." Make sure she cannot type again, and when neighbors ask her why she has a cast on her hands, you say that she has carpel tunnel syndrome.

Find where this guy lives, and beat the shit out of him in front of his family. Take his wife, because your wife can't be trusted anymore. You could even be trading up. Now you both get what you want. Compromise, it's what it's all about.

Thursday, Smelly Parents

My husband and I have decided to sell our house and move south. We plan to purchase a mobile home. I asked our adult children what they thought of our decision.

One son made a quick trip home. Most of what he had to say pertained to issues from the past. One remark stung: He said that my husband and I had not showered or used deodorant on the day of my mother's funeral. True, we didn't shower that morning, but we had the night before. Because we depend on well water and had three extra people in the house, we wouldn't have had enough for all five of us to get a warm shower. We did use deodorant and cologne, and my husband put on aftershave.

We were crushed by our son's comment. I no longer wish to be an overnight guest in his home because I know they will be watching my every move. I would be preoccupied with worry about whether I have body odor. I love my son and our daughter-in-law, but the thought of being around them now makes me uncomfortable.

Ewwwwww. You are a disgusting pig.

Your excuse for not showering is pretty awful. Growing up, my house depended on well water, and guess what Angela Smellsbury? It was quite enough. In fact, most of the time I take two showers a day. One at night and when I wake up in the morning. I pride myself in taking care of my body, unlike you, the walking European corpse.

To show up at a funeral smelling worse than the dead body tells me you live in the mountains or the south. Or you are really fucking old, and either way you smell.

Your son was just trying to help you. The fact that you get defensive at your son being truthful also tells me you are old. Old people get sensitive easier. Now you are taking it out on him and refusing to go to his house? You should be lucky if he lets you in smelling like a yeast infection from the civil war era.

You are selling a house for a mobile home?! Strike three you old fucks! Are you trying to suck before you die?