Wednesday, College lame-O

My daughter, "Christie," just started her freshman year in college. She's a little overwhelmed and trying to adjust. She is smart, focused and mature.

Christie's biggest problem is it seems that all the other students in her dorm want to do is party. They buy alcohol with fake IDs and sneak it in.

Christie has told the others that she's not a partyer, and has been focusing on her work while her roommate and suitemates drink and miss classes. This makes my daughter not only unhappy, but also feel isolated. I talk to her every day to reassure her that she will find "her" group of friends. Is there anything else I could advise?

My gosh, Christie sounds lame and flat chested. Don't tell me she is studying classic music.. Christie should embrace the spirit of Yom Kippur, and reflect back on going to a tougher school if she really wants to study until she perspires. Drinking, fucking, and getting fake ID's is what college kids do. What the hell did she expect? With this kind of attitude, she will be alone all four years and eventually become a lame Sue in some office building. But as a doctor of everything holy, do not fret.

Buy Christie birth control. Tell her to brag about it in class, dorm rooms, or whatever function is going on. Phrases like "Not only does this make my tits bigger, but it kills all your baby Phelps," are sure to get people interested.

Purchase her Southern Comfort. Every college kid has had some whacky adventure with Southern Comfort. From your legs going in the back of your head, to seeing what the bathroom floor feels like after a night of upchucking pan-seared pea snaps, Southern Comfort is a TA away from the classroom.
Get acquainted with somebody that is 21. Nothing says 'IT GIRL' like the one that can hook up booze. We all went through that as youngans. I respected people that got kegs, cases, and 40's more than I respect Martin Luther King.

So, don't worry. Fitting in to college is easy, because most college kids are merely extensions from high school. Some of dumbest motherfuckers you will ever meet.

Monday, Vegas cheater, stupid girl

I'm 24 and have been dating my 29-year-old boyfriend for the past five years. We have been very happy.

Once or twice a year my boyfriend has a guys' trip to Las Vegas. I have fully supported these trips.

I found out a few days after his most recent Vegas trip that my boyfriend had kissed a girl in a club. The following week my boyfriend actually went back to Vegas for a one-night stand with this girl. Two days after this one-night trip to Vegas, we were leaving for the Bahamas, where he was going to propose. He had the ring and planned to ask my parent's permission.

I'm crushed, and he is disgusted with himself. He has lost tons of weight and went to counseling to find out why this happened. He's never hidden from this, never once trying to minimize the severity of what he did.

I spoke to the counselor who is seeing him to discuss my feelings, and she said that he exhibits no signs of being a "repeat offender."

We are working through this, but a deeper problem lies with my parents. They are completely done with him. They do not approve of me working this out.

My father says he would refuse his request to marry me, and my mom says she does not ever want to see him again, much less have him as a son-in-law. I feel completely torn.

I am in an adult relationship and can make my own decisions, but my family finds this unforgivable.

What should we do?

This is a golden question for Dr. Kenny. It's "Stance" time. Anybody that stays with somebody that cheats deserves all the bad shit coming to them.

You said that this counselor said he shows no signs of being a repeat offender? Didn't he kiss this girl once, and then go back and fuck her? That's called cheating twice, kitten. Anybody that has it in them to fully know that something is wrong and do it anyway will do it again. I'm glad he has lost weight, because he's a major douche, and also the reason that when I go do something with my friends, my GF's ask "Was there any girls there?" I hope he never eats again, or gets a 2 foot tapeworm. If he is having dirty Vegas sex before proposing to you, I'm pretty sure we would understand how that marriage would turnout.

When you met, he was 24, and you were 19. So for two more years you couldn't go to bars while he was out at Barleycorn, STD-ing it up with Kara who works at Lover's Lane. He probably has had alot of tang under our watch. You just happen to catch him this time.

Your parents are the only ones making sense in this picture. Your dad should beat him with wooden shoes. It's completely unforgivable what this guy did. In fact, they should be mad at you for staying with such a retard. You are young, lose the guy and be that girl that guys cheat on with. It's way more fun that way. And in a way, it would be like thrusting out your revenge. Or go another route. Contract herpes or HEP C and fuck your boyfriend. If he ever thinks about getting some road-trip-with-the-guys-tang, he will have to remember that his penis is battered down like a New Orleans levee.

Monday, In Laws shoot 'em up

Our first child is nearly a year old, and I am planning his first birthday party. My in-laws and my parents do not get along, and my in-laws have threatened not to come if my parents are present.

My husband and I have made it clear that we do not agree with this. We feel they should be able to put aside their differences for one day for the sake of their grandchild. Should we bend to their stubbornness and have two separate birthday parties, one for each side of the family?

No fucking way. If your senile in-laws and bratty parents can't come together for something that is not about them in anyway, they can suck a cock in Fire Island. Or plan B, You can have them do a taser-off in the backyard. This includes lining up 30 feet away from each other and just tasering. The one that can come out of the twitching fast enough, or the one that doesn't suffer a stroke gets to be there while the other one goes home. Or the ER.

Monday, Boring woman has no life

I am a 28-year-old wife and mother. I love my family very much and do not lack the essentials in life. But I can't help feeling my house isn't clean enough, my home isn't good enough and I'm not good enough. Nothing in my life is up to my standards.

I see people all around me who have all of these wonderful things. They travel and have fun. I have nothing of any real worth, and I can't remember the last time I truly had fun.

I don't want to take anti-depressants to cover the problem; I want to feel better. I have considered hiring a life coach to help me find the basis for my feelings, but I am not sure if coaching is for real or where to find it. I do not live in a large city, and money is limited. I want to feel like I, and the things in my life, are enough. Help!

Well gee wiz. Sorry to say, but that's what happens when you decide to not have goals. Getting married and having kids is what 20somethings do so they can talk about it at their 10 year reunion. You aren't having fun because you probably have a sucky husband also. Not only that, you choose to be pathetic. Taking ant-depressants doesn't cover up the problem. It is a sign that you actually want to be happy. Hiring a life coach would be the world's biggest neon sign to tell everyone that you are a fucking loser. You are so bad at life that you would hire a life coach? Move to a city. Buy a gun. Find a drug habit. Start an affair. Kidnap a child. Five things off the top of my head that you could do. All else fails, clean your duplex again.

Wednesday, Socks

I need help! I am a 30 year old professional male with my own condo in the city. I have a bunch of friends who are girls and are constantly trying to set me up with their friends because of what a great guy I am. But even with all of their opinions leading towards me being so "great" eventually the latest girl will leave me the same as the rest. The last girl left because I kept asking her to wear tube socks while we are making love, which I don't think is good reason to leave! (Jennifer you know who you are!) There are people out there who like to wear full animal costumes while doing it, tube socks are not that bad! I just really like them, I mean they have been around from when I first figured out how to please myself through the movie flash dance and at every sexual junction in my life! It's not like I only like purple ones either, nope, I will take any color, green, black, white, striped, even argyle!!! Is it so wrong to love their elastic goodness so much?

Throughout the whole question I deeply sympathized, and maybe empathized a fact or two until you brought up Flash Dance. But, since I'm a lover and not a Street Fighter, I will pretend I didn't read that. Setting yourself up as the 'good guy' comes with expectations. Like, you are going to be there for your gal pals when Bruno breaks her heart. Or maybe that you aren't afraid to say you like The Notebook. Or maybe you get salty-er than an ocean and say that you wish your voice sounded like that dude from Matchbox 20. In any case, women have already categorized you as a vagina with a dick extension. So, when you pull out the whole sock thing, the surprise hits them harder than Hurricane Katrina. I, too am down with the whole tube sock. And even for good measure, those black lines baseball players put under their eyes. Enough about my sporty fucks... You are totally natural in liking something particular. Women like a huge bank acccount and nobody is double penetration deep in their business! What the S?! Keep doing what you are doing, and I'm sure the ass-to-mouth ho right girl will come along.

Monday, Grandma Revenge

Please help me. Several years ago, my granddaughter -- age 17 -- beat me up. It was awful. She beat me all over and broke my knee. I have forgiven her, but somehow it eats at me. What should I do? I will never forget that beating, which happened because I wouldn't let her drive my car.

Did you get it on video? Because that's the only way it would kinda be funny. Other than that stop being a whiny old Grandma. First of all, what the shit did her parents do, and why weren't they there? Second, I hope you called the police on that cunt. Third, you should have organized a 'family party' only for it to be a setup in which you beat your granddaughter mercilessly. I'm talking 2x4 with nails on it. Or, find out if she has a boyfriend; send her pictures of you giving him fellatio. I'm pretty sure teenage girls hate seeing their boyfriends sucked off by Grandma. If you don't stand up for yourself, you will look like every other weak ass elderly person, and meanwhile your granddaughter is racking up money by being a guest on Maury. Also, is your granddaughter a dangerous minority? If so, it will probably be pregnant in a couple of months and then you can push her down the attic stairs. You're welcome.

Monday, NESW

I'm 39 and a college graduate with plenty of common sense. I'm not stupid, yet throughout my life I have had trouble differentiating between left and right, east and west. Any explanation?

You are a genuine retard.