Tuesday, Handicap Stop

Because of a medical condition, my husband of 30 years can no longer drive a car -- so now he is driving ME nuts. Not only does he tell me how to drive ("You're too far to the right," or "Watch out for that car!" or " I'd go this way," etc.), but he feels it is his responsibility to remotely lock/unlock the car doors, remotely start the car -- anything having to do with the car but drive it. We end up "cancelling" each other out when I try to start the car or lock it.

Please tell me how to solve the dilemma about who should control the functions of the car.



BaHHH! I can't stand those people. Whether it's been my Mom or girlfriends, they never shut up. They think that running their mouth will run the car. "Hey girlfriends from the past, didn't you back up in to a lawn mower and pulled into traffic because you were putting on your makeup? And you want to tell me not to do a U-eeeee?"
Yet, when my friend Lauren drives, I'm very handsy about music, constantly switching the knobs so it doesn't feel like the temperature is at Backdraft degrees, and I'm twitchy and ornery that I'm not driving. But, I'm allowed to be hypocritical. I rule these pages.

If your capper husband can't stand the way that you drive, tell him to ride the Pace Bus. They have a van special for crips that bitch. On top of it, a reduced fare. As a guy that shells out $4.50 a day riding the CTA, I'd say that's more than fucking fair.
If that doesn't work, buy a motorcycle. I'm pretty sure his medical condition won't let him ride on a motorcycle. This will confine him to his home and he will probably turn into the older father (Robert Duvall) from Sling Blade. You know, that part where Sling Blade Bob Thorton confronts his Dad for killing his little brother all them years ago. The point is, he will just rot for being an asshole that bitches more than drive time radio.
If all else fails, get divorced and become a cougar. I dunno, whatever.

Tuesday, Sharing Chores

My husband has been retired for a number of years, and I hold a full-time job. We share household chores and are comfortable with our arrangement. For example, he does the grocery shopping, I do the cooking and he'll do the dishes.

We both pitch in and do laundry, housework and yardwork.

Because he is so helpful, we are able to spend my days off together. This arrangement seems fair to both of us.

The problem is that we are good friends with another couple, "Jim" and "Jane," both retired.

Jim rigorously adheres to the "man-of-the-house" role, with Jane handling all household chores. In other words, he is retired, but she has a full-time job keeping house, which she sometimes grumbles about. When my husband mentions that he has plans to grocery shop or do laundry, Jim makes taunting remarks and tells him he is a "traitor to his sex."

Apparently Jim believes that I should handle all the household chores when I come home from work and my husband should spend his retirement being waited on hand and foot. How should we handle this irritating situation?

Maybe it's because I've had three hours of sleep, but I'm already irritated by your question. All I can picture in my head is this sweaty face physically murmuring words out in some drastic tone that sounds like dolphins communicating.

Yes, I believe Jim is your ordinary caveman that probably chokes his wife during sex. If Jane doesn't like the way their golden years are going, maybe she should wait until he is asleep and drop a car battery on his sack.

The reason I don't like your squawking...

Why do you give a fuck what some old Vietnam veteran says to your Husband? Apparently, it isn't effecting him wanting to be equal around the house. And if this guy is such a fuckface, why are you friends with him and his enabling wife? So you can have something to complain about? Go to the VFW Hall or a square dancing class, or wherever old people go to chillax, and make some new friends. Chances are cancer will eventually hand out a pink slip of health, so don't waste it hanging around the guy that hates "colereds."

Friday, Spider Conference

Dear Dr. Kenny,



Recentlty I attended a news confrence that my friend was speaking at. Half way through the speech my friend was giving I noticed a spider on his shoulder. Now, knowing that my friend is extremely allergic to spider bites I instinctively threw my shoe at the bug and ruined the news conference. Later I found out that the video of the conference was all over the internet , making my friend look like a total d-bag. Dr. Kenny how can i mend this relationship???


signed,Al-aquiar Habizidannit

Finally, my first question from Al-qaeda.

Where was this conference taking place? A Cracker Barrel? A Cracker Barrel in the Amazon?

And another self imposed question, who decided that shoes are the number one choice of items to be thrown at a press conference?

While spider bites are a terrible terrible terrible thing, being so deadly and all, I'm sure you were just trying to be a friend in your own redneck way. Explain this to your d-bag friend. If he cannot accept an apology from his banjo/jug playing, meth using, Davy Crockett hat wearing buddy, then you will have the satisfaction of knowing he really is a douchebag.

You get bonus points for instinctively throwing shoes. I'm glad that's the first thing you think to do. I'm also glad you were not a firefighter on 9/11.

(Insert picture of man throwing Keds into a blazing fire)

Sunday, Prop 8 Jerk

After nearly 15 years together and two children, my partner and I were married in California, prior to the passage of Proposition 8. We created a gift registry so our friends and family could provide us with tokens of their esteem and good wishes. During a light political discussion with one of my co-workers, before the election, it became clear she did not support gay marriage and intended to vote yes on Prop 8, because, as she stated, marriage is strictly "one man, one woman." In order to maintain workplace cohesion, I refrained from further discussion. After my marriage, when opening the wedding gifts, I discovered that this same co-worker, who was not invited to the wedding (I did not invite anyone from work), had sent a lovely item from the gift registry! The quandary: What do I do with this gift? Should I return it, write a sarcastic letter of thanks, or take this as a "teaching moment" to enlighten her on her crass hypocrisy?

The ungrateful train, alllllllllllllllllllllllllllll aboard!!!!!

First off, why you'd talk about an issue like that at work is beyond me. I can barely keep still when somebody stupid at my work (Sox Fan) makes some stereotypical comment about the Cubs. So, gay marriage, politics, sex, war...Save em' for happy hour when you can back up your statements with fisticuffs.

You were wise to let it go, because you can't change anyone. Unless you're me. "She'll never strip again, you'll see!" Ok, getting off track.

Maybe this was that person's way of saying, beliefs aside, I wish you the best. Take it for what it's worth, or be prissy. I don't give a shit.

Why you'd want to cause a war at your workplace with something that is unrelated to your workplace is tacky, and shows that you are immature. You're a complete bitch, and I'm glad I wasn't invited to your wedding because I would have ruined it.

I don't know how gay divorce works, but I hope it's just as painful as the regular kind.

Sunday, Bitch - in - Law

My brother recently got engaged to a woman who can be incredibly fun, kind, generous and gracious. However, at a moment's notice, she can become offended and become very passive-aggressive and refuse to admit that anything is wrong (much less tell us what offended her).

She was married before, and I know she has wounds from that relationship. This makes me want to be as understanding about her reactions as possible.

The problem is that she snaps at my parents, my brother and me, but will not (even when directly and sensitively asked) disclose what is bothering her.

However, she will continue to make it clear that she is angry. These tantrums (for lack of a better word) make everyone uncomfortable, but we (my parents, my brother and I) are afraid to approach her openly for fear of causing permanent damage to our future relationship with this woman.

She makes my brother happy, and I certainly don't want to alienate them from my life.

Is there a win-win situation that can clear the air without burning a bridge?

Oh God, this is probably a woman that I'll be tricked into marriage someday.

You need to stop being so understanding. This woman is ball busting bitch. The only reason your brother probably married her is because she brings that attitude into the bedroom, and now he can have porno sex for the rest of his days. But that isn't a good trade off.

You need to be firm.

"Just because you are the cunt that my brother married, doesn't mean you can spew out whatever the fuck you want to our family. Sorry your first marriage didn't work out, but it's probably because you keep acting like Ophelia whenever anyone wants to have a nice moment. Stick it up your dripping love canal and eat your spaghetti."

Good luck!

Tuesday, Slutty Virgin

Is it possible to be a slut and still be a virgin? I am 20, and I am good at attracting boys, but I'm still a virgin because I have never had an actual relationship.

I "hook up" with many guys, sometimes two in the same weekend. I bring them home from parties, but they aren't strangers. I know them from school.

Since my best friends and I moved into our apartment, I have brought five different guys home with me, but I have not had sex with any of them. The other day, one of my friends told me I'd better be careful that I don't get a reputation. I was surprised because I thought you had to actually have sex with a lot of people in order to get a bad reputation. I'm just having fun. What do you think?

A slut and a virgin? Quite the oxymoron. You, my dear are in a different category.

You are the epitome of a tease. And a mass tease at that. It sounds like a harsh word, but it's not.

If you are doing everything but sex, then you are a slut with training wheels. Quite the norm for your age.

If you are just taking guys home and making out with them, to address your hormones, wants/needs etc. no real problem there.

If you are a woman that gets off to not giving into guys then you are a total tease.

Not that any of these are wrong, just giving you the liner notes to your teasy 20's. It's quite respectable that you are waiting for a meaningful relationship even though you are aware of your hotness and willing to take home the latest guy with a striped shirt and a lacrosse hat.

Find that relationship, because if you give in now...you will end up being that slut that your jealous friend warns you about. When you have sex for the first time, nothing is the same after. You have a period where your genitals go Rick James crazy and you fuck a handful of people. It goes with the territory.

Try not taking guys home, or fool around with one of your girlfriends. It will get you more attention from men, and it will cross off that girl on girl experience that almost every woman EVER has on their bucket list.

Tuesday, Height Advantage

My man is 5 foot 6 inches, the same as me. When we kiss, I love that I can look straight into his eyes. He's also balding, by the way, so I guess he should have two strikes against him. But I think he's the most gorgeous man I've ever seen.

He's affectionate, straightforward, patient, very funny, intelligent and hardworking, and he treats me with the same love and respect and delight with which I treat him. He's not the first short man I've ever gone out with, but he's the last. He's a keeper. What drives women away from short men? I don't understand it?

Well good for you. I'm glad that you look for character instead of basketball height and wallet.

As much as I rip on women for being vein, selfish, mean-spirited, or materialistic, there is certainly a flip side. I have know plenty of women in my life that can love or be more attracted to a guy's character. Mostly, nice guys, and sense of humor can get you pretty far. I'm not sure I can say the exact same for men. With most guys the 'attractive' has to be there. I can say for myself I have to be attracted to somebody before deeper feelings ensue. That's the only time I can be more attracted to someone's character. I agree that's bullshit. But that's how it is.

I'm no Lebron James myself. I'm 5'10 but have a hell of a jumpshot. Just kidding, no I do. I'm no ladies man or anything, but i have had quite a few girlfriends. In fact that should probably tell you right there that not all women go for height. Or maybe their type is a foul mouth irish guy that thinks it is hilarious when people trip and fall in front of a huge crowd. I dunno. I can honestly say I don't give a shit about my height. Nor have I ever complained about it.

So to any guy that is Spudd Webb small, that's insecure about their height: Make Terry Schiavo jokes and don't give a shit. If some girl passes you up because of height reasons, they are probably a man, or some materialistic bitch from the Gold Coast.