Writing prescriptions

Courtesy of Chris Wood.

For my friend John. Sometimes I can't help everyone. And sometimes knowing when to quit is medicine in itself.

Monday, Joey Greco has nothing on me

I'm in my late 20s and have been dating a woman for about six months. For the most part, everything is great, and I could see us getting married someday.

The problem is she is still in contact with an ex, with whom she shares "custody" of a dog. She and her ex were together for two years and stopped dating two months before we met.

About once a month, they meet to take their dog on walks, and she contacts him via text a few times a week. She says he's just a good friend, but the idea of her spending time with someone she dated for so long bothers me.

She agreed to talk and hang out with him less, and while their meetings have been less frequent, they are still meeting occasionally.

I don't want to give her an ultimatum to choose between us, and it seems unfair to make her give up a friend. It's just difficult to trust her (or more likely him) when they talk and hang out.

I guess I'm a worrier and don't know if I should demand they no longer meet, or let things go.

Your girlfriend and your ex are probably still fucking. Using the dogs as an excuse is part of the arsenal of the manipulation that your lying bitch understands. From the beginning of time women have been dirty, dirty liars. They are an emotional wreck, and will probably try to justify her actions with some anti-logic.. And why aren't you allowed to be around when Rod wants time with the ex? My advice is to buy an animal for your ex, and do the same thing. You should probably start fucking your ex too. It's better to be safe than sorry. And if there is anything better than guilty, naughty sex, consider me Helen Keller.

Thursday, I hate my Mother

I am 25 years old, and my mother constantly buys me clothes. She buys me clothes on ebay, from catalogs and online stores. She lives a state away from me, where she has no friends except her boyfriend, and she works out of her home, so I assume she does it because she's bored and because she feels guilty about not being closer to her grandchildren and me.

I've told her politely that she doesn't need to buy me stuff and that she should just save it for Christmas, but she won't listen.

I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't want her to waste her money (she is not wealthy) on stuff I really don't like or need. It's starting to make me uncomfortable.

Oh, you poor little shit. Your biggest problem is your Mom likes to do nice things for you? You should be so lucky. Some Mom's raise (or don't) latchkey kids, or they drink a lot, or hit their children. Your Mom is so lonely that she thinks of you constantly, and this is one way of showing that. And the fact that she isn't wealthy shows that she would gladly spend her money to make you happy so you can look good at the sorority get-down or bar crawl, or whatever your ungrateful ass does. If I was your Mom i would send you anthrax in an H&M box. Then you could truly separate nice surprises in the mail to a quarantined room at Good Shepard. You are going to make such a bitchy wife.

Tuesday, Hospital Harlot

I met a radiologist when I was in the hospital. We decided to keep in touch once I got out, so a week later I called him. He seemed standoffish at first, but after talking with him and meeting him at the hospital, I learned that he didn't trust women because he'd been hurt.

We've been intimate several times, but always at the hospital. How come we never do it outside of work? At least at a hotel? I'm not married and I don't have any kids. I've invited him over. He says if he comes over, he can't stay. But he never comes over. He won't have me over to his house because he's a single father with kids, ages 17 and 19. He takes being a single father seriously.

Still, he texts me from his cell, asking me what I'm doing. Then he tells me what he's doing. Do you think there's someone else? I've asked, and he said no. What's up?

Ok, First of all, that guy is awesome. He tricked you into doggystyle in the X-ray room without having to leave work. In fact, he is probably getting paid during those hours. Well done. And let me congratulate you. Way to be the first Hospital Harlot. Most people go to the hospital to get things removed or repaired. You go to the hospital to get things filled. How do you not realize at this point that you are his 15 minute break whore? It really doesn't matter if he has a wife or girlfriend or whatever, because he knows that at lunch, he can go get a porterhouse steak, and a BJ in the intensive care unit. Just be thankful that you are getting some, because I imagine you are old-ish. If you could talk him into writing a book on how he is able to manipulate the way he does, he would have at least one reader.

First Example

Dear Cheryl: I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 40. I love him. Every time I see him my heart pounds like it's about to jump right out of my chest. If I'm not with him, I miss him terribly. The problem is I just don't know how to tell him that these feelings that I have for him are real. How do I tell him?

—Young and in Love



Dear Young and in Love: You're better off not telling him. It only makes you seem even younger than you are—which is plenty young. A mature 40-year-old man would recognize the symptoms you describe as infatuation, not love.

But I have a feeling your boyfriend is not all that mature.

If he were, I don't think he'd be hanging around with you. Twenty years is a big age gap at any time, but at yours, it's the Grand Canyon. Accept your relationship for what it (probably) is—a fling. Enjoy it while it lasts, but don't be too broken up when it ends. You've got a lot of living and growing to do before you get serious about anyone.

Not bad advice, but still. Drive the point home. My advice would go a little something like...

Dear girl that seeks desperate attention (and probably brags about her fist fitting into her mouth):

People that say 'age is nothing but a number' are covering up daddy issues. Or have been touched by their Uncle in that dark cave during the family reunion. Do you honestly think that a 40 year old that is on the cusp of a midlife crisis is into you because you are soooo mature? No, here's a lifeline..You ARE part of his midlife crisis. 21 year old hot piece of ass is like methadone to his 'I have to cope with the fact that my life is half over' problem. The last thing he needs, is to hear about your immature mushy feelings that you co-opt from Meg Ryan movies, as you sit on your ass all day until your shift starts later tonight at TGI Fridays (where you met). It's not science. Find an equally dissapointing man that is your age, so you can atleast share your infinite knowledge of bad music music together. Now, I know that when you met it was something like a fairy tale. You went out for margaritas (Because you can drink at bars now!) and he told you that you are the most attractive woman he has ever met, and presto chango three hours later he lovingly promised that he would aim for your stomach. Truth is sweetheart, he doesn't know that in high school you were the community jizz jar that was looking for any attention at all. In fact he could give a fuck even if he knew. You are barely a summer rental. He will have moved to Jacksonville before you realize that stinging in your crotch was a birthday present he got from his ex wife in his younger 30's. Move on. No fairy tale lasts.

Intro

As a subscriber to newspapers (mostly online) I can't help but look at the advice columns every now and then. It helps me realize what 'other' people call problems. But mostly it gives me a chance to fine tune my inner freelance smart-ass. Most of the questions are stupid, or atleast 5 logical answers could be used if the person in crisis would grow the fuck up. I find the advice a little odd too. Not because they give bad answers, but most of these advice columns comes from women in their 40's to 60's. Well, not anymore. Not only, are these people ALL women, but they are outdated. So, I, the 25 year-old male have started my own column. To start out I will be using questions that the paper started out with. Feel free to send questions to KennyBernat@gmail.com. In fact, I encourage it.
P.S. Thanks for the encouragement to do this friends!