Dr. Kenny vs. MSN

Whenever I (rarely) go to my Hotmail account to see emails from people I have written off, or links to Amazon begging me to buy Sister Act 2, I happen to notice the MSN links that are on my front page. There is alot of relationship garbage. So I was curious to see what my competition is up to. Today, they had this attention grabber: 8 THINGS GUYS SAY THEY HATE ABOUT WOMEN BUT SECRETLY LOVE. Boy was this a lob down the plate. To preface this, I have to say that MSN relationship writers might be on a par with Teen Beat. Just sayin'. Yours truely went to the trouble to copy all of the responses. So here goes....


8 Things Guys Say They Hate about Women But Secretly Love

Blond Ambition

"I hate when my girlfriend works late, but I secretly love how motivated she is and how much she cares about everything she does."

—Alex, 24

Yeah, I totally don't.

A. I don't want to hear that "I'm really tired" excuse when it comes to boning. If that's the case take a five minute nap, and I'll make love.

B. Who's going to pay attention to me? I'm a man, I have to be desired. You never saw James Bond watching Rock Of Love on his couch waiting endlessly for you to come home.

The Provider

"I tell her I hate it when she whines, but it's actually cute. It makes me feel needed and important and manly — like I can provide for her and that will stop her whining. I should add that it's a once-in-a-while pleasure."

—Matt, 27

That makes you feel manly? That makes me want to kick a baby deer in the face. When I hear things like "Can you go make me a drink?" or "I wanna cuddle" in the whiny voice, it makes me think that the Jon Benet family caught a break. Both of those are okay, just not in the whiny voice. Whiny voice is only ok when...

A. You have the flu

B. You are begging for sex at 4am after you just got back from drinking Jameson with your friends all night.

Tabloid Scammer

"I would be bummed out if she canceled her Us Weekly subscription. I hate having to see Spencer Pratt's ugly mug all the time, but it turns out to be the perfect magazine to read in the bathroom."

—Scott, 33

I would be bummed out if my girlfriend read US Weekly. And Scott, I'm pretty sure you have a tribal tattoo or secretly whack off to Keanuu Reeves. The perfect things to read in the bathroom are Sports Illustrated, Rolling Stone, a book, or a laptop. I prefer the laptop because it is an endless source of reading.

Garbage Duty

"I always complain about how my girlfriend expects me to do all of the 'man stuff' around the house, like replacing light bulbs and taking out the trash, but I secretly like it."

—Mat, 25

Ah. You spell Matt with one 'T.' Euro trash.

I actually like a self sufficient woman. Men like confidence and independence as well. Men also like when women take out the trash in boy shorts and a see through 80's shirt.

Guilty Pleasures

"I hate when my girlfriend watches shows like The Hills and The City, but recently I find myself secretly loving Monday TV nights."

—Jake, 26

Might as well say fuck you to Mom and Dad for paying for your MBA. When you watch those kind of shows, you are actively turning into Terry Schiavo. And who is this girl that makes you watch this shit? Oh, you met her at Hooters? Ok then.

Mother Nurture

"My girlfriend has a tendency of stating the obvious. What I mean is that she will tell me to do something that I am clearly either in the process of doing or going to do. See, you girls always assume that we are eventually going to screw up and do something stupid, so you feel obliged to remind us at every opportunity.

It drives me nuts, but I guarantee that the moment she stops paying attention to what I'm doing or if I'm doing it the way it should be done, I start feeling like she just doesn't care! So after a grunt or two, I go and fetch her to ask her opinion. Go figure!"

—James, 25

Yeah, I just love a nag. I'm pretty sure I would not miss nagging. I'd rather have a bad hangover, because I know that will eventually go away. This is a really bad myth that MSN is trying to spread. On behalf of the male race: This is bullshit. James has to say this stuff so his girlfriend will give him oral sex every Christmas.

Date Planner

"I would be bummed if my girlfriend stopped planning out our evenings several days in advance. It makes it easy for me because I don't have to plan anything, but it is annoying sometimes how organized a person can be."

—Brian, 24

This would be complete hell. You like that your girlfriend controls your life like the army?

"Honey, go see Sex and the City with your friend, I'm going to stay here and masturbate with my own tears."

Why All of the Questions?

"I'm around a lot of women who are very worried. It seems as if everything you do is followed by a question: Why did you do that? Are you all right? You sure you're not hungry? I always talk about how I hate these incessant questions, but I know deep down if they stopped I would feel less important. It's good to know that people care about you enough to ask those questions, even though they might be annoying."

—Ben, 25

This is like being followed around by a 5 year old. This is the most annoying during a movie...

"Guess what? I can't answer anymore of your questions because you made me miss most of the plot and I'm as clueless as you are."

Or when you just want quiet. Every stupid thing that comes out of her mouth that ends in the question mark, makes me dream about how I could shrink myself and live in solitude inside the Lincoln Log cabins I built when I was little.

"Whatcha thinking about?" What's your favorite color? Do you fantasize about less maintenance girlfriends that you foolishly broke up with by comparison everytime my mouth looks like it's run by an engine made of Red Bull?

Thanks and Bare with me

This week is a make or break week for Dr. Kenny. So just bare with me my sweet loves. But I left one for all of you, and I'll be back after this hell week....

Also, I can not say thank you enough to my friends, family, anonymous, people that have sent in questions... Your kind words lately have been overwhelming. I'm glad that people can get joy as they virtually watch me punch my ticket to hell. Love you guys, need you guys..

Tuesday, Cheat to Win

Our 10-year-old son, "Harry," is a sore loser. If we play a sport or a board game with him, he ends up in tears if he doesn't win. Sometimes he will cheat if he thinks it will help him win. He even becomes upset when his favorite hockey team loses a game.

We have told Harry repeatedly that games are supposed to be fun, but he seems unable to grasp the concept. We do not know what else to do. Can you help?

I sure can. I can help you.

Let's get something straight.. I was Harry...I still am Harry.

Look, mother that is worried about anything and everything, your son is becoming a man. It sounds like he has a do what it takes attitude. And quite frankly, I'm more proud of your son than you are. You should be ashamed of yourself. You probably don't know what it takes to win. You probably tried to start a small business selling pet supplies when you got the start up capital because your Father died of a Viagra induced heart attack and it failed. So you don't go for it anymore. If you want your son to succeed, you will encourage his behavior. To lie, cheat, kill...whatever it takes..is the blueprint to becoming a winner. End of story.

You really think it's a problem if he gets angry over hockey? No. And I'm glad this question came up. Here's why..(coming from my point of view):

I take all sports seriously, but for this demonstration lets use Notre Dame football. When the Irish lose, I lose. It is good for a person to invest their soul in something they cannot control. It's fucking romantic. To love under the best and worst circumstances. Is there a better man than that? Answer: Sure isn't! When the Irish lose, my Saturday goes out the window. I'm a dick, and sometimes I throw my stuffed football as hard as I can into the kitchen. When they win, you will never find a more charming, nicer guy than Dr. Kenny. Some people just love sports. At least he doesn't love cocaine and HIV filled sluts.

So, really mom? You don't want him to be a romantic? You don't want him to have a passion for something. You want him to be like you? Some woman that sits in a recliner all day in nothing but tube socks and a mustard stained robe. You are worse than that mother that drove her kids into a lake.

Sister Act 3: We don't disagree

I have been dating a wonderful man I'll call "George" for the past 14 months. We have never had an argument or even a disagreement. We both have good jobs, like doing the same things, and we see each other every weekend. Our co-workers and family members have commented that we seem remarkably happy as a couple.

Don't get me wrong. George and I know what we like and dislike in life. We talk about things, have serious discussions and deal with whatever comes our way. But for some reason, my sister insists that by now my boyfriend and I should have had at least one good argument. She thinks it's weird that we haven't, and says we are "trying too hard" to make each other happy. She says George and I are ignoring things that could cause unhappiness.

My sister is younger, married, works full-time and has three kids. I think she may be secretly jealous of our relationship. So I ask you, DO all couples have to argue or have disagreements?

Blah. Sisters.

Sounds like she is a bitter, jealous woman that is just mad that her vagina looks like an M.C. Escher painting after pumping out three kids in a row. Your love life is kind of new-ish and exciting, meanwhile she can no longer get off in the shower because her hopes and dreams have been dismantled by a poker obsessed father, and three children that won't stop saying "mommy!"

Though, I still have to give her a point. 14 months and no argument. Does this guy not drink? Do you not drink. There hasn't been a single girl that I have ever dated where we didn't once or twice have a misunderstanding that led to an argument induced by alcohol. Try that one and see what happens.

Besides that, arguing is human nature. I don't know if you two are the most boring people in the world, or you are always fucking, but geez louise.

You mentioned that you only hang out on weekends. That could be it. You two should move in together. See how long your streak will keep up then.

Whether you fight or not, your sister will always be a sloppy bitch. And at least you have that.

Friday, Preyfesser

My daughter is an intelligent, attractive and outgoing college student. She has lots of friends, but the party scene at school does not fit her personality. She's a more down-to-earth type. She has dated but has never had a serious long-term boyfriend. She says most guys her age seem too immature.

We are very close, and recently she confided in me that she has been having a relationship with one of her professors for more than a year. He is a single, never-married man, more than 15 years her senior. I have made it clear to her that I feel this relationship is a big mistake. The fact that he was willing to enter into a romance specifically forbidden by the university is a big red flag for me.

My daughter feels that she is as much to blame as he is for this connection.

She is in love with him and believes they will have a life together.

How can I warn her about the pitfalls of this situation without having it come between us? Should I inform the university of the romance?

She would never forgive me.

A case of Jeramiah Lasky v. Kelly Kapowski!

I have known people and heard about plenty of women that date their proffesors, teachers or whatever you want to call them. There is good news and there is bad news, Mom. The good news is, that it will never last. The bad news is, they are having naughty, Vivid Entertainment, pleted skirt sex anywhere and everywhere. He is tudoring your daughter in "How much the vaginal wall can withstand 101."

The part that makes me laugh is, when women use the excuse that ALLLLLL the guys their age are immature. Please. The guy you are now dating is immature, because he has to lower his standards into dating a naive, impressionable 18 year old. Yes, guys at her age are a bit intense (With all the drinking and raping that all college young men do. Source: Lifetime), but to assume as a whole that they are all like that is ignorant. I was way more of a gentleman in my younger 20's. Now I ride a motorcycle and enjoy fast women. Woooooo!!!!!

I'm pretty sure this guy preying on a young hot piece of ass is a much bigger red flag than him being her teacher. At the very least, she will probably get an A in the class leading her to a more promising future.

To blow your teachers for grades is one thing, but falling in love is completely nutty. I'm guessing she is looking for a Father figure ever since Dad touched her under the covers, went drinking and never came back. She doesn't sound so intelligent to me. She just sounds like any other fucked up girl that age. This is really not a problem in the long run. She will wise up one day and date a guy from CBOE. Then, she will have problems. Real problems. I guess I'll be talking to you soon!!!!!!

Tuesday, Handicap Stop

Because of a medical condition, my husband of 30 years can no longer drive a car -- so now he is driving ME nuts. Not only does he tell me how to drive ("You're too far to the right," or "Watch out for that car!" or " I'd go this way," etc.), but he feels it is his responsibility to remotely lock/unlock the car doors, remotely start the car -- anything having to do with the car but drive it. We end up "cancelling" each other out when I try to start the car or lock it.

Please tell me how to solve the dilemma about who should control the functions of the car.



BaHHH! I can't stand those people. Whether it's been my Mom or girlfriends, they never shut up. They think that running their mouth will run the car. "Hey girlfriends from the past, didn't you back up in to a lawn mower and pulled into traffic because you were putting on your makeup? And you want to tell me not to do a U-eeeee?"
Yet, when my friend Lauren drives, I'm very handsy about music, constantly switching the knobs so it doesn't feel like the temperature is at Backdraft degrees, and I'm twitchy and ornery that I'm not driving. But, I'm allowed to be hypocritical. I rule these pages.

If your capper husband can't stand the way that you drive, tell him to ride the Pace Bus. They have a van special for crips that bitch. On top of it, a reduced fare. As a guy that shells out $4.50 a day riding the CTA, I'd say that's more than fucking fair.
If that doesn't work, buy a motorcycle. I'm pretty sure his medical condition won't let him ride on a motorcycle. This will confine him to his home and he will probably turn into the older father (Robert Duvall) from Sling Blade. You know, that part where Sling Blade Bob Thorton confronts his Dad for killing his little brother all them years ago. The point is, he will just rot for being an asshole that bitches more than drive time radio.
If all else fails, get divorced and become a cougar. I dunno, whatever.

Tuesday, Sharing Chores

My husband has been retired for a number of years, and I hold a full-time job. We share household chores and are comfortable with our arrangement. For example, he does the grocery shopping, I do the cooking and he'll do the dishes.

We both pitch in and do laundry, housework and yardwork.

Because he is so helpful, we are able to spend my days off together. This arrangement seems fair to both of us.

The problem is that we are good friends with another couple, "Jim" and "Jane," both retired.

Jim rigorously adheres to the "man-of-the-house" role, with Jane handling all household chores. In other words, he is retired, but she has a full-time job keeping house, which she sometimes grumbles about. When my husband mentions that he has plans to grocery shop or do laundry, Jim makes taunting remarks and tells him he is a "traitor to his sex."

Apparently Jim believes that I should handle all the household chores when I come home from work and my husband should spend his retirement being waited on hand and foot. How should we handle this irritating situation?

Maybe it's because I've had three hours of sleep, but I'm already irritated by your question. All I can picture in my head is this sweaty face physically murmuring words out in some drastic tone that sounds like dolphins communicating.

Yes, I believe Jim is your ordinary caveman that probably chokes his wife during sex. If Jane doesn't like the way their golden years are going, maybe she should wait until he is asleep and drop a car battery on his sack.

The reason I don't like your squawking...

Why do you give a fuck what some old Vietnam veteran says to your Husband? Apparently, it isn't effecting him wanting to be equal around the house. And if this guy is such a fuckface, why are you friends with him and his enabling wife? So you can have something to complain about? Go to the VFW Hall or a square dancing class, or wherever old people go to chillax, and make some new friends. Chances are cancer will eventually hand out a pink slip of health, so don't waste it hanging around the guy that hates "colereds."