Monday, Eating Disorder Disarray

I'm 20 years old and have a best friend whom I care for a great deal.

My friend has an eating disorder, and she also has a mother who tells her and her sisters that having a flat stomach is extremely important.

I have also struggled with my own body image, but I have learned to embrace my flaws (plus, I was raised differently).

When she criticizes herself, how do I as a friend tell her to start loving herself more? Her behavior is starting to bring me down, and it makes me sad that she's so negative about her body.

This 'friend' is really you, isn't it? Don't lie to me. It's the oldest trick in the book. But I don't really care.

It would help me alot more if you specify which eating disorder you/your friend has. In my preference of judging pretty girls, bulimia is the meal ticket (ha ha ha) of the eating disorders. Anorexia just makes you super weak, and Africa looking. Let's look at the facts about bulimia:

1. You can still feel good about eating, and throwing up isn't as scary anymore now that you do it everyday.

2. It's easier than working out.

3. You will get instant results and more dates!

3a. Guys will be more attracted to your smooth stomach and waist.

3b. Holy fuck that ass is tight.

Look, the world is not crashing down. Everyone has body issues in some capacity. Especially women. All women think that they need perfection in everything. And I'm sorry they feel that way, because some girls are so cute that a guy won't care. Plus, they will love you for your mind or some shit.

I, however don't have these issues. I have a modest 6% body fat, I can eat anything I want, and can easily burn all that off by running a mile. It's fucking great.

Furthermore, my cat throws up alot. She is a small, thin cat. Even though, it can be a pain to clean up her little kitty throw up, I respect her. I respect her more than our President. Conclusion: Everybody compliments how cute and small she is.
Stop blaming your (Good attitude) friend for bringing you down. Only you can control how you feel. You are probably a big fatty that wants your friend to chow down at Arby's with you. Go back to the ocean, Kirstie Alley.

Wednesday, Tammy Temper

I am a 16-year-old girl, and I'm pretty popular in my high school. I'm blessed to have several close friends, and we always have a great time together. My grades are good, and I get along well with my mom, dad and little brother. So what's the problem, you're probably wondering.

I had an argument with my girlfriend "Amber" recently. It was over a "guy issue." I won't go into details because we did end up working it out, but Amber said something during the blowup that has me worried. She said that sometimes my anger gets out of control and concerns her. Two other girls who were with us at the time agreed with her. That floored me.

This is the first time I've heard about this. I mean, Mom sometimes calls me "Tammy Temper" -- and has accused me of "throwing fits." But my friends never called me on it. In the fight with Amber, she said my fists were clenched and she was afraid I might hit her. (I didn't think so.)

I don't want to scare people. I value my friends. I look forward to going to college and making new friends and having new experiences. I don't want to have a reputation as a hothead. Can you help me?

WELL, you also have an ego problem too. Ohhhh, you're so popular. That will change. Wait until you try and join a sorority and the initiation is to drink a coffee cup of urine from the fraternity around the corner. Hope you feel popular then, big shot.

Anywhoski... At the very least, you know that you have problem, because everyone is getting in your (popular) face. As a person that has dated lava-tempatured hot heads, and one that flips out about sports, I feel like I earn my Blog P.h.d.

You are still sixteen years old, so you are probably the bitchiest girl on the planet. I have two younger sisters, one that went through that, and one that is currently the same age. They both threw fits on the par of Margot Kidder or Regan . Your hormones will pretty much consume you for the remainder of your teens until you go off to college and learn to suppress it with Captain Morgan and cock. Until then, a couple of exercises or things that you can do to calm it the fuck down:

1. Tell 'Amber' that she is projecting. This flips it back on her. Make up a rumor about her to get your friends and back on your side. Now, she's the troll of the group.

2. Cut your wrists. Not the right way, but the way that all teenagers do to act out. Physical pain should replace the emotional pain.

3. Go shopping... you rich, popular fuck.

4. Date a verbally abusive boyfriend. Your temper will seem light years away when Brock chastises you about the short skirt you wore to Dirk's G.I. Joe's and Army Ho's party.

5. Start doing cocaine. This makes all girls CRAAAAZIER. But it will eventually wear you down when times get tough, i.e. trading sex for blow, selling possessions, fighting your landlord in his sleep.

Look Tammy Temper, we all have anger. You stick to the advice I give and you will be back to your old sugar and spice popular gal routine.

Thursday, WHINE and Cheese

After many years of being single, I met a woman I'll call "Trish" on a blind date. We're both in our late 40s, and we hit it off. We have many things in common.

One night I was at her place when she received a phone call. Trish made it short and sweet and hung up. A few minutes later, I asked who it was, and she told me it was her boss. I know how she answers the phone when it's her boss -- and it wasn't him. When I said, "That was NOT your boss," she admitted it was one of her boss's clients, but said nothing was going on between them.

When I first met Trish, she mentioned that a client had come in one day, had wine and cheese, then leaned over and kissed her. It's the same guy that called -- and he's married.

I am very hurt. We have both been cheated on. I don't think she has cheated, but she lied to my face. My first instinct is to dump her, but I love her. What should I do?

Plain and simple. Leave. Get out of there.

Anybody that lies to you once, will lie to you again. Take it from me. I have been a total bastard in relationships, and I have dated women that are James Brown crazy. It's probably therapy that I write this blog.

But let's disect a little.

The fact that you point out you have been single for awhile, shows that you will accept whatever is given to you. Bad Idea jeans. Just because Ginietown has seldomly played your town doesn't mean you have to put up with a bunch of lying bullshit. At least when you are single, you don't have to worry if she is blowing some guy at a board meeting. Saying that you love her though is just an excuse. Like it's your last chance at having anything. I'd rather die alone then be with some lying slut.

And who eats wine and cheese at work? Is she a lawyer or an oil executive? If it's yes to either of those professions, you have the right to steal her credit card and pay for sex.

Tuesday, Marine ex

I'm happily married with four wonderful children. I have a great husband and a great career.

Recently I received an e-mail from my ex-boyfriend from high school. He is an officer in the Marine Corps. He broke up with me 16 years ago.

He is now married to the girl he dumped me for all those years ago.

I opened up my e-mail and was surprised to learn that he has been looking for me all this time and wanted to apologize for what he did.

He said that he was sorry for pushing me away and wanted to find closure.

This man broke my heart when he left me for another girl and enlisted in the Marines. My life changed after that, and I am totally over him.

And now, after 16 long years, he is apologizing?

We have talked on the phone several times. I know I shouldn't talk to him, but I think that he is trying to get back together with me.

Talking with him brings back memories. I realize that he hasn't changed, and I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.

If you are soooo over him, why are you talking to him on the phone? And judging from the amount of children you have in that 16 years, it's easy to tell that you love sex. Just don't be that whore.

This guy actually did you a favor. He went off to the Marines. Which in all likelihood means that he hates brown people, wants to fire a weapon, be around a bunch of sweaty dudes, and loves Kid Rock. Not to mention you would have to be a lonely Marine wife where you are stationed, alone, and probably pregnant. My cousin is married to a marine, and I'm not afraid to say that he is a cocksucker. Every family Christmas party that he's around, I dream of introducing a folding chair to his sweaty double chin.

Be an honorable dame and stop talking to this jarhead.

Tuesday, Asteroids

My boyfriend of two years and I have been living together for four months. I uprooted my life and moved 2,000 miles to be with him.

Whenever I need to talk to him about something affecting our relationship, he gives me the cold shoulder that lasts for days.

I am really in love with this man, and I gave up my home, friends and a great job to be with him. I am not sure how committed he is to me, and I wonder if I am wasting my time on a man who is just not capable of appreciating or loving anything.

He always tells me there is a possibility that he might be with another woman. He likens it to the odds of an asteroid hitting Earth—not probable but possible. This just doesn't seem like what a committed boyfriend should tell me. He even went as far recently as to tell me, "Under certain circumstances, I could be with another woman." I got really upset and asked him to explain the comment. He shut me out and gave me the cold shoulder for days.

He is 56 and has never been married.

He makes me feel so insignificant in his life and tells me that I should know how he feels about me because he let me move in with him.

Should I walk away?

My God. This is the kind of shit that makes men not respect women. And sorry to say, but it's your own damn fault.

I liken this to my parent's cat. My Dad can't stand it, but she always comes to him. The more a guy doesn't respect a woman, the more the woman eats it up like Godiva chocolate.

Should you walk away? Yes. If he is comparing asteroids to hitting the earth, I'm pretty sure his Viagra prescription is aimed at another woman.

Refusing to talk about the relationship is THE telling sign that it's in trouble or the electoral votes are being projected that it's already over.

Leave with some dignity. Wait until he goes to work or plays tennis or whatever he does and take all your possessions and leave. It will give him a lifetime to ponder his decisions. Fortunate for him, he is 56, so he could die relatively soon.

By the way, your name wouldn't happen to be Stacy Peterson would it?

Wednesday, Bisexual Gal

My 14-year-old daughter, "Melissa," is bisexual. Most girls her age have sleepovers, but my husband says that any girl Melissa likes should be considered the same as a boyfriend, so it is not appropriate for her to spend the night.

I disagree. A girlfriend is not the same -- mainly because Melissa won't end up getting pregnant after spending the night with a girl. What do you think?

Congratulations retard. You have won the award for "People I'd like to punch in the face- of the week." Dad is totally right. Would you like to bring ice cream down into the basement just to have it shatter when you witness your daughter's mouth glued to her best pal's vagina?!Yeah, I didn't think so.

But I can't get past a fourteen year old already thinking she is bisexual. "Mellissa" probably barely has boobs, and the fern is starting to grow into spring still- if you know your metaphors. This leads me to think:

A. She is confused, which all teenagers are as their body turns into a transformer.

B. She has already been sexual with both a male and a female which makes me think you are terrible parents.

C. She has been molested. If this girl lives in Florida or Texas, circle C for sure.

D. She is probably looking for attention.

Either way, your daughter is trouble. My only advice is to build one of those creepy praying rooms like the one in Carrie. With that in mind don't let her go to the prom either. Nothing worse than seeing your daughter post-drunk, post-sucked off 6 guys in a night.

Wednesday, Bad Hair Day

As the years have passed, my brown hair has slowly been replaced by threads of silver. Friends and relatives have teased me about it. I don't let their remarks bother me, but certain individuals do irritate me with their remarks. So I came up with a comeback to address their comments.

I tell them with a smile that each of my white hairs represents a "seed of wisdom" in my "field" of knowledge. I love seeing their expressions when I say this. Perhaps this will help other seniors. What do you think?

Good comeback, Tony Danza. You are old and are going to die soon.